People

Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.

ISSUE 48•05 | 01.31.12 | Obituaries

Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids. more»
Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

ISSUE 47•48 | 11.28.11 | News

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—In the wake of the sex abuse scandal that rocked Penn State earlier this month, a coalition of 10-year-old boys from across the nation held a press conference Saturday outside Beaver Stad-ium, home of college football's Nittany L... more»
Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.

ISSUE 47•46 | 11.15.11 | Obituaries

Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy. more»
Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

ISSUE 47•40 | 10.03.11 | News

PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called "a lot of uncertainty" on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be "just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being." more»
What Are We Yelling At Our Children's Graduation?

ISSUE 47•22 | 06.03.11 | Statshot
FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit

ISSUE 47•22 | 05.31.11 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can hack it. more»
No Stopping Back Sweat Now

05.31.11 | Newswire

No Stopping Back Sweat Now more»
Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

ISSUE 47•15 | 04.14.11 | American Voices

A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think? more»
Garfield

03.12.10 | Letters To The Editor
Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos

ISSUE 45•13 | 03.24.09 | Radio News
Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

ISSUE 44•48 | 11.27.08 | News in Brief

TACOMA, WA—Michael Renfro, a 68-year-old retired CPA with an apple hovering in front of his face, announced Monday that he has filed a $15... more»
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

ISSUE 44•47 | 11.19.08 | Commentary

Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single... more»
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock

ISSUE 44•46 | 11.12.08 | Commentary

You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may... more»
Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine

ISSUE 44•44 | 11.01.08 | Newsroom

Rescue crews have been working day and night to free the former first lady, who has been unable to extricate herself from the sand. more»
Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’

ISSUE 44•43 | 10.26.08 | War For The White House

Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy. more»
Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase

ISSUE 44•43 | 10.21.08 | News in Brief

BROOKINGS, SD—Local 11-year-old Dylan Adams entered the stage in childhood development Wednesday in which a boy feels the uncontrollable... more»
Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

ISSUE 44•40 | 10.01.08 | Infographic

The vice presidential debate is scheduled for Oct. 2. What are the rules of this debate? more»
I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks

ISSUE 44•37 | 09.10.08 | Commentary

My entire life, I've always loved some good old-fashioned horseplay, and I assumed everyone else felt the same. So you can imagine my surprise... more»
Amish Population Boom

ISSUE 44•35 | 08.28.08 | American Voices

Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think? more»
King Of Comedy’s Death Ignites 100-Year War For Throne

ISSUE 44•34 | 08.19.08 | News in Photos
Powerful 'His And Hers' Towel Lobby Stalls Gay Marriage Legislation

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•34 | 08.19.08 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Gay rights activists protested the defeat of bill S. 743 Monday, saying that the proposed legislation giving homosexuals the... more»
Area Russian To Hug You

ISSUE 44•32 | 08.05.08 | News in Photos
How Are We Pissing Away Our Summer?

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.30.08 | Statshot
Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.28.08 | News in Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Whether he's making his approval known during sporting events and rock concerts, or simply in a situation that requires him to... more»
Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.25.08 | News in Brief

[media:64749]SCOTTSVILLE, NY—Unfamiliar with the menu at local restaurant Scully's and faced with the decision of what to order for lunch,... more»
How Are We Self-Medicating?

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.23.08 | Statshot
How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's?

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.23.08 | Commentary

You know, seminal American author John Cheever and I have a lot in common. He needed to drink a fifth of scotch before he had the courage to utter... more»
Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.21.08 | News in Brief

HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by... more»
Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.17.08 | American Voices

A new study demonstrates that when a television is on the background, children play about 5 percent less than without, thus impeding development of... more»
Shit Yeah, Another Baby

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.16.08 | Commentary

Free clinic says I'm gonna have me another baby. Two months I been pregnant already, and it's like I didn't even notice. But now I'm pumped as... more»

people

Rosa Maria Torres, 81, died peacefully in bed surrounded by fat grandkids.

Nation's 10-Year-Old Boys: 'If You See Someone Raping Us, Please Call The Police'

Steven Geary passed away Tuesday evening surrounded by friends, family, and one secret enemy.

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While

What Are We Yelling At Our Children's Graduation?

FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit

No Stopping Back Sweat Now

Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

Garfield

Congressional Swap Meet Erupts In Chaos

Man With Apple Hovering In Front Of Face Sues René Magritte's Estate

If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship

I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock

Barbara Bush Runs Aground Off Coast Of Maine

Cindy McCain Claims She’s ‘Just Like Any Other Female Human’

Area Boy Enters Jumping-And-Touching-Tops-Of-Doorways Phase

Rules Of The Vice Presidential Debate

I Was Under The Impression That Everyone Loved My Headlocks

Amish Population Boom

King Of Comedy’s Death Ignites 100-Year War For Throne

Powerful 'His And Hers' Towel Lobby Stalls Gay Marriage Legislation

Area Russian To Hug You

How Are We Pissing Away Our Summer?

Really-Loud-Whistle Guy Takes Every Opportunity To Whistle Loudly

Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports

How Are We Self-Medicating?

How Come No One Celebrates My Alcoholism Like John Cheever's?

Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

Shit Yeah, Another Baby

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan