Pets | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Biden Jumping Motorcycle
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Last Updated 12:21 PM

pets

National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins

ISSUE 46•20 | 05.17.10 | American Voices

This week is National Dog Bite Prevention Week, which aims to reduce the 4.5 million dog bites that occur in the United States every year. more»
Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats

ISSUE 44•49 | 12.06.08 | News

HARTFORD, CT—"It's really no hassle," Sarah Dobbs, 44, said. "If you're gone and need someone to drop in on them, I'd be happy to do it. I'm just glad to help." more»
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

ISSUE 46•27 ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 41•40 | 06.24.08 | Radio News
Baby Given Cat's Room

08.21.07 | Newswire
Goldfish Teetering On Edge Of Sanity

ISSUE 43•17 | 04.25.07 | News in Photos
Yorkshire Terrier Monogrammed

ISSUE 43•03 | 01.17.07 | News in Photos
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

ISSUE 43•01 | 01.07.07 | Radio News
Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck

ISSUE 41•27 | 07.06.05 | News

MILTON, MA—Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck. more»
Dying Girl Lent Pony

06.08.05 | Newswire
More Cats Made

ISSUE 39•38 | 10.01.03 | News in Photos
Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

ISSUE 39•17 | 05.07.03 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub. more»
Cockatiel Can't Take A Punch

ISSUE 38•23 | 06.19.02 | News in Photos
Unidentified Yowling Animal In Carrier Apparently Named Kiwi

ISSUE 38•22 | 06.12.02 | News in Photos
Heroic Pit Bull Journeys 2,000 Miles To Attack Owner

ISSUE 38•14 | 04.17.02 | News in Photos
Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right

ISSUE 38•12 | 04.03.02 | News in Brief

POPLAR BLUFF, MO— According to Kenneth Childs, the new owner of Crackers, an African gray parrot, the previous owner must have watched a tremendous amount of The Price Is Right. more»
Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog

ISSUE 38•08 | 03.06.02 | News in Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food. more»
Cloned Cat Neutered

03.06.02 | Newswire
Dog Keeps Iceland Awake All Night

ISSUE 38•06 | 02.20.02 | News in Brief

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND— The nation of Iceland was tired and cranky Monday after being kept up all night by a howling dog. "People were complaining as far away as Seyhisfjórdhur," said President Ólafur Grimsson, brewing an extra pot of coffee. "The sound carries a long way up here." Grimsson said none of Iceland's 280,000 citizens were close enough to the dog—believed to have been stranded on an ice floe near Vestmannaeyjar—to throw a shoe at it. more»
Ferret Mailed

12.12.01 | Newswire
Pet-Care Tips

ISSUE 37•23 | 06.20.01 | Tips

Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come: more»
New Dog Sick Of Being Compared To Old One

ISSUE 37•17 | 05.10.01 | News in Brief

PRESTON, MO–Patches, the Layden family's new dog, expressed frustration Monday over the constant comparisons to his predecessor, who died in February. "No matter what I do, I can't escape the long shadow cast by Sneakers," the five-month-old Patches said. "I go for a walk, I hear about the way Sneakers went for walks. I chew on the rug, I hear about the way Sneakers chewed on rugs. They need to realize that I can't be Sneakers." more»
Nation's Dog Owners Demand To Know Who's A Good Boy

ISSUE 36•44 | 12.06.00 | News

WASHINGTON, DC–Bearing facial expressions ranging from goofy to adoring, dog owners from across the U.S. gathered in the nation's capital Monday, demanding to know who's a good boy. more»
Dog Costumed To Create Illusion Of Sports-Team Preference

ISSUE 35•29 | 08.18.99 | News in Brief

APPLETON, WI—Queenie, a 6-year-old Appleton golden retriever, was dressed in a manner making her appear partial to the Green Bay Packers Saturday, when owner Mike Modjieska stuffed the dog into a green-and-gold Packer T-shirt prior to the start of a preseason game against the New York Jets. "I'm a Packer Backer, my wife's a Packer Backer, and Queenie's the biggest Packer Backer of all," said Modjieska, filling Queenie's Green Bay Packers water dish. "I wouldn't own a dog that supported any other NFL team." Modjieska said Queenie's favorite players are Brett Favre, Mark Chmura and Antonio Freeman. more»
I'm Taking Cuddliness To A Whole New Level

ISSUE 35•28 | 08.11.99 | Commentary

You've played with other puppies, enjoyed scratching their little heads and rubbing their fuzzy-wuzzy tummies. Heck, you probably thought they were really cute. But what would you say to a cuddliness experience not 100, not 200, but 300 percent better? That's right, folks: I, Cleveland The Puppy, am taking cuddliness to a whole new level. more»
Stuff On Floor

ISSUE 35•15 | 04.21.99 | News in Brief

LODI, NJ—The moist, brownish pile on the Gehrke living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, it was reported Monday. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's cat food," said Lydia Gehrke, 44, staring at the mystery heap. "But the way Oscar's been digesting lately, cat shit is definitely a possibility, too." Though a long shot, Gehrke noted that it could also be cat vomit. "Whatever it is," she said, "it came from the cat." more»