Politicians
Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary
MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime ...
Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence
BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position ...
New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program
TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly ...
Obama Administration Releases Nation’s Phone Records To Public
‘We Are Making Every Effort To Be Transparent,’ Says President
WASHINGTON—On the heels of reports that the National Security Agency has secretly been amassing the private telephone records of Verizon’s more than 120 ...
Obama Takes Excited Daughters Out For Day Of Drone-Watching
WANA, PAKISTAN—Calling it a chance to get some fresh air and learn about the unmanned aerial vehicles inhabiting the Middle East, President Barack Obama ...
Eric Holder Loads iPod With AP Phone Conversations For Morning Commute
WASHINGTON—While preparing to leave for work Monday, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder reportedly loaded up his iPod with dozens of Associated Press reporters ...
Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim
WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation ...
Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy
WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged ...
Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term
WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made ...
Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals
'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs
WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they ...
Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To
WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if ...
The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project
This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity ...
Obama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals
CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S.
Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy
WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in ...
Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws'
SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny ...
Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those ...
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave
SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the ...
Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office
'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in ...
