Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim
WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation ...
Politicians
Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy
WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged ...
Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term
WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made ...
Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals
'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs
WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they ...
Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To
WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if ...
The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project
This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity ...
Obama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals
CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S.
Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy
WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in ...
Jenny Sanford: 'I'm Loving These Lax Gun Purchasing Laws'
SULLIVAN’S ISLAND, SC—Hours after former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford won back his old congressional seat Tuesday, the philandering politician’s ex-wife, Jenny ...
Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those ...
Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Opens In Pitch-Dark, Sulfurous Underground Cave
SUMNER, NE—The Richard B. Cheney Vice Presidential Library and Museum officially opened to the public on Wednesday, housing a variety of exhibits honoring the ...
Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office
'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in ...
'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech
'No, Really, Fuck Every One Of You'
WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire ...
Features Of George W. Bush Presidential Library
The technologically advanced and highly interactive George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum will open to the public on May 1 in Dallas.
Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library
DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered ...
Romney Drops By To See How Down-And-Out Family He Met On Campaign Trail Doing
CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped ...
Doctors Reveal Dick Cheney Burning Through At Least 3 Hearts Each Week
JACKSON HOLE, WY—A team of doctors responsible for the care of Dick Cheney revealed Thursday that for the past few years, the former vice ...
'Syrians' Lives Are Worthless,' Obama Tells Daughters Before Kissing Them Goodnight
WASHINGTON—While tucking in his daughters as they settled into bed Tuesday evening, President Barack Obama reportedly kissed the two children gently on the forehead ...
