Hillary Clinton Opens Chili's Franchise Just Outside Of Washington, D.C.
HERNDON, VA—After officially ending her tenure as Secretary of State on Friday, Hillary Clinton wasted no time in moving on to the next stage ...
Politicians
The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service
In this age of global tumult and unrest, it is of the very utmost importance that our government officials are straightforward, candid, honorable individuals who ...
Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from ...
Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In
WASHINGTON—As President Barack Obama recited the inaugural oath that will formally commence his second presidential term, onlookers confirmed Monday that Vice President Joe Biden ...
Silvio Berlusconi Swears Dancer Was Of Legal Age When He Paid Her For Sex Using State Money
ROME—Facing widespread criticism over his alleged sexual relationship with an underaged exotic dancer during his tenure as prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi on Tuesday assured ...
Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas
WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his ...
Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub
TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone ...
Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges
Negligent Group Believed Responsible For Millions Of American Deaths
WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23 ...
Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges
In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23.3 ...
Congressman Torn Between Meaningless Pledge To Anti-Tax Zealot, Well-Being Of Nation
WASHINGTON—Amid ongoing negotiations in Congress over the looming “fiscal cliff,” Rep. Tom Reed (R-NY) told reporters Wednesday he is “completely torn” between his commitment ...
Filthy Mitt Romney Delivers Campaign Speech To Audience Of Confused Shoppers In Ohio Safeway
CANTON, OH—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, an unkempt and thoroughly disheveled Mitt Romney gave an impassioned campaign speech Monday to a group of ...
Needy Nation Breaks Down After First Full Week Without Being Pandered To By Politicians
UNITED STATES—In a desperate fit of emotional neediness, all 314 million residents of the United States broke down today after going a whole week ...
Romney Spends Day Tearfully Apologizing At Father's Grave
BRIGHTON, MI—Visitors to Brighton’s Fairview Cemetery confirmed that since early this morning, former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has been kneeling at his ...
CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything
WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now ...
Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong
ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep.
Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012
CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the ...
