Timeline Of The War On Terror
0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine
September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001
September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept ...
Politics
Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim
WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation ...
Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy
WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged ...
‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again
VISTA, CA—Following the devastating tornado in Oklahoma this week that killed dozens of residents and displaced many more, U.S.
Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term
WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made ...
Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals
'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs
WASHINGTON—Reacting to the number of major scandals currently plaguing the White House, a somewhat confused American populace told reporters Friday that yeah, sure, they ...
Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To
WASHINGTON—While stressing that he has no plans to mount such an insurrection, Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Martin Dempsey told reporters Friday that if ...
The Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project
This week, President Barack Obama and his administration have come under fire from political opponents seeking an explanation for the White House’s alleged complicity ...
Obama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals
CORTLAND, NY—Amid mounting scrutiny over scandals involving last September’s attack on the U.S.
Sasha Obama Suspicious After Doing A Little Digging Around On Benghazi
WASHINGTON—Saying that none of the facts quite add up, first daughter Sasha Obama, 11, reported being “highly suspicious” today after poking around the details ...
Obama Speechwriters Unsure How They’d Praise Fort Lauderdale In Event Of Tragedy
WASHINGTON—Claiming that nothing about the city really evokes the strong sense of pride and endurance that typically serves as a source of strength in ...
Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks
WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those ...
Secretary Of Interior Takes Presidential Oath Of Office
'I Still Can't Believe The President, Vice President, Speaker Of The House, President Pro Tem, Sec. Of State, Sec. Of The Treasury, Sec. Of Defense, And Attorney General Were All In That Hot-Air Balloon,' Says New President Sally Jewell
WASHINGTON—Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell was sworn in today as the 45th president of the United States, reciting the oath of office in ...
'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech
'No, Really, Fuck Every One Of You'
WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire ...
Obama Orders Reinvasion Of Iraq After Illuminating Trip Through Bush Presidential Library
DALLAS—After taking an “eye-opening” tour of the newly dedicated George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum in Dallas Thursday, President Barack Obama reportedly ordered ...
Romney Drops By To See How Down-And-Out Family He Met On Campaign Trail Doing
CANTON, OH—According to reports, former presidential candidate Mitt Romney stopped by Wednesday morning to check up on Allen and Brenda Spearing, a financially strapped ...
John Kerry Lost Somewhere In Gobi Desert
SOUTHERN MONGOLIA—After failing to arrive at his destination in the Middle East this week for diplomatic talks with state leaders, sources confirmed that U ...
U.S. Ambassador To Cambodia Thinks Diplomatic Immunity Covers What He Just Did
PHNOM PENH—Wiping blood from his hands as he spoke with reporters Monday, U.S. ambassador to Cambodia William E.
Palestinians, Israelis Come Together To Mock Obama's Hopelessly Naive Speech
JERUSALEM—Coming together for the first time in generations, Palestinian and Israeli citizens were reportedly seen gathered at the West Bank today mocking President Obama ...
