Politics
CNN's John King Now Just Swiping Hands Across Everything
WASHINGTON—A day after his “Magic Wall” coverage of the U.S. presidential election, sources confirmed that CNN chief national correspondent John King is now ...
Todd Akin Spends Whole Night Wondering What Went Wrong
ST. LOUIS—Following a disappointing loss in his state’s U.S. Senate race to incumbent Claire McCaskill, Rep.
Nation's Women Wake Up Relieved To Find Selves Still In 2012
CHICAGO—According to reports from across the nation, the country’s entire female population was greatly relieved upon waking this morning to learn that the ...
Moments Leading Up To Romney's Concession Most Likely Hilarious
BOSTON—Sources are confirming that the moments leading up to Mitt Romney’s concession speech last night—from the expression on his face the second ...
Romney Rewatches First Presidential Debate Alone In Living Room
Romney Rewatches First Presidential Debate Alone In Living Room
Lives Of Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Eric Cantor Retain Meaning
WASHINGTON—Following the president’s reelection Tuesday, top Republicans Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and Eric Cantor expressed relief, saying the primary purpose of their lives ...
Obama, Romney Remain About Equally Powerful
WASHINGTON—Having won another four years in the White House, President Barack Obama will retain about the same amount of power as American multimillionaire Mitt ...
Sex Scandal Sinks Klemke Reelection Bid
WICHITA, KS—Wichita 4th District alderperson Alan Klemke, who rode into office four years ago in one of the most stunning political upsets in U ...
Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls
'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison
NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of ...
Romney Camp Retooling Campaign After Latest Setback
BOSTON—Calling it “a small bump in the road,” sources within Romney headquarters announced plans Wednesday to readjust their campaign strategy following their candidate’s ...
After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
Sources say the screaming orb might be the only potential candidate that would tap into Republicans' deep-seated, seething fury after this election.
Millions Without Power Following Election
WASHINGTON—According to widespread reports, roughly 314 million Americans across the country have been left without any power following Tuesday’s devastating presidential election. As ...
'I Want To Congratulate The President,' Romney Says In 240,000th And Final Lie Of Campaign
BOSTON—While delivering his concession speech at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center Tuesday night, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney uttered the 240,000th and ...
Defeated Man Victorious
CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated ...




















