Our polling experts weigh in on the terrifyingly infinite number of possible election outcomes.

WILMINGTON, DE—Noting the sticky floors, pervasive smell of fecal matter, and greasy residue on the electronic equipment, voters arriving late in the day to ...

Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot

WASHINGTON—In a breathtaking chorus heard only once every four years, sources confirmed that the glorious sounds of “goddamn long line” rang out across the ...

ALTOONA, PA—After casting his vote in the presidential election this morning, Altoona voter Doug Lawson, 36, admitted to reporters outside his local polling station ...

GREENVILLE, DE—Local election workers confirmed Tuesday that they overheard Vice President Joe Biden repeating the phrase “banged her” and describing salacious details of sexual ...

WASHINGTON—With six or more hours remaining before most polling locations close, The Onion is officially calling Florida, Ohio, Colorado, and Pennsylvania for John Edwards ...

How to avoid all of the miserable status updates, photos, and video posts from your most obnoxious Facebook friends on Election Day.

OMAHA, NE—Local man Luke Dotson, 34, told reporters this morning that, regardless of who wins today’s presidential election, he plans to take off ...

Proud Obama Takes Malia And Sasha To Polls To Vote In Their First Election

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—According to sources close to high school senior Jeffrey Safran, the 18-year-old’s limitless enthusiasm for casting his first-ever vote has become ...

With more than 10 million field reporters standing inside each and every voting booth, the Onion political team live blogged every aspect of Election Day.

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—According to records obtained from the Mahoning County registrar’s office, local man David Kearney, who eats breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts every day ...

Paul Ryan is spending the final day of the campaign doing what he loves–reminding America's downtrodden that everything bad in their lives is ...

Romney Joins Kid Rock On Stage For Rendition Of 'Fuck You Blind'

COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door ...

SANFORD, FL—With election day looming, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried one last time Monday to cut into Barack Obama’s large lead among ...

AKRON, OH—In a rare display of bipartisanship just one day before the presidential election, President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney came together ...

WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Monday, the U.S. populace remained unsure which of the presidential candidates’ plans to destroy natural resources and render ...