Kraft Introduces New Kraft Doubles For Couples
NORTHFIELD,IL—Kraft officials claim that this is the first adjoined-cheese product that's both practical and sexy.
Products
New Product Can Do All That, More
MODESTO, CA—According to late-night television sources, a
revolutionary new product that can do all of the tasks of several...
Law Firm To Purchase One Of Those Big Leather Chairs
DAYTON, OH—"As a respectable law firm, Davis, Cassini & Snyder needs an expensive leather chair that doesn't swivel, raise, or lower," junior partner John ...
FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy Green...
Overuse Of Enzyme-Based Cleaners May Be Causing Highly Resistant Superstains
CHICAGO—The American Association of Laundry Workers released a startling new report Thursday warning against the use of enzyme-based...
Chinese Authorities Execute 10 Million Recalled Toys
BEIJING—So far, 9 to 10 million faulty toys have been kicked, shocked, hanged, pounded with nails, had their ears severed and eyes gouged out ...
Historic Pretzels-For-Little Debbie Swap Sparks Heavy Lunchtime Trading
BOULDER, CO—While some were able to make substantial gains, the activity resulted in a flooding of Sun-Maid raisins and an estimated 56 feet of ...
Streets Of Portland Flooded With Counterfeit Toothbrushes
PORTLAND, OR—The health-and-beauty-aids market in the Pacific Northwest city of Portland is on the verge of collapse due to the mass...
Brookstone Scientists 10 Years Away From Towel Alarm Clock
MERRIMACK, NH—"No longer will people have to lug their alarm clock from the bedroom to the shower every morning," executive director of research Bryan ...
Butterfly Fuck-Swing Filled With Junk Mail
ELMHURST, IL—"The wife and I sure had some crazy times on that thing before we had the baby," said Nathan Moscone, hanging his suit ...
Frustration With Husband Taken Out On Soap Scum
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Local homemaker Darlene Ernst, 37, expressed her frustration with her husband Dean on Tuesday by vigorously scouring the...
Area Man Can't Wait To Get Home To Look Out New Window
CHESHIRE, OR—Assistant sales manager Steve Gregory, 37, told reporters that he has spent his entire workday waiting for the time when he can...
Apple's New iPhone
Apple is set to release the much-hyped iPhone Friday, June 29. Here are some of its most highly anticipated features:
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack
SAN CLEMENTE, CA—"We at least have to see the next new episode of Lost before spilling the blood of the infidels," cell leader and ...
June 8, 1944
War Rationing Board Restricts Nylon Use to Armed Forces, J. Edgar Hoover Only
Buttery Goodness Now America's Top Domestic Product
WASHINGTON, DC—New data from the U.S. Commerce Department show that rich, buttery goodness beat out automobiles, timber, and...
