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Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?
WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and ...
Mrs. Butterworth's Bottle Central To Terrifying LSD Experience
ATHENS, GA—An anthropomorphic container of Mrs. Butterworth's-brand maple syrup took on nightmarish qualities for University of Georgia sophomore Kevin Duffy, 20, Tuesday during ...
Nation Demands Easier Instructions
WASHINGTON, DC—Decrying needlessly confusing directions for the use and assembly of countless products, citizens across the nation are organizing advocacy groups to demand that ...
Study: American Spiritual Epiphanies Increasingly Juice-Based
LOS ANGELES—American spiritual epiphanies are becoming increasingly juice-based, according to a report released Tuesday by the UCLA Department of Theology. "In the past, spiritual ...
New Television Show In The Works
BURBANK, CA—A possible new television program is "in the works," with preliminary meetings regarding a potential development deal with UPN "a definite possibility," sources ...
Roof Of Mouth In Serious Condition Following Cap'n Crunch Consumption
SPRINGFIELD, MA—The roof of area resident Meredith Kjell's mouth is in serious condition Tuesday following her consumption of three bowls of Cap'n ...
Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience
MASSILLON, OH—New MagnaSoles shoe inserts harness the power of magnetism to restore the foot's natural bio-flow.
Snacktime Made More Fun
ORRVILLE, OH—The national pastime of eating delicious, reasonably priced snack-food items between meals was made more fun Monday, when the J.M. Smucker Company ...
2-D Doritos Sales Lagging
DALLAS—In the wake of the launch of "Doritos 3-Ds," Frito-Lay is experiencing a sharp decrease in sales of its original two-dimensional Doritos. "The public ...
Spencer Man May Not Actually Make The Difference At Spencer State Bank
SPENCER, WI—Contrary to claims made on the financial institution's complimentary pens, key chains and insulated can coolers, local resident George Pilarcik may not ...
New Sony In-Utero TV To Entertain Children In The Womb
LOS ANGELES—The entertainment industry is abuzz following the Sony Corporation's unveiling Monday of the Utertron 9000, a state-of-the-art in-utero womb-entertainment system for children ...
Bloodthirsty, Undead Ghoul Advocates Chocolate-Cereal Consumption
MINNEAPOLIS—The Rumanian cadaver who feeds on the blood of the living restated his endorsement of the death-themed children's cereal.
