CINCINNATI—The new conditioner will wash and condition your brain, regulating social behaviors for a glamorous new you.

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans.

CINCINNATI—Bounty unveiled its breakthrough advanced spill-containment system with their new three-ply paper towel.

PAWTUCKET, RI–The drab, ordinary interior of the third drawer from the top in Beatrice Sewell's bedroom dresser was transformed into a storage area ...

BOSTON–A report published in the Aug. 25 issue of The New England Journal Of Medicine indicates that the average American receives 87 percent of ...

TUCSON, AZ–Jodi Hennings, 24, ex-girlfriend of area resident Rich Zeger, 25, announced Tuesday that she will arrive at 5:15 p.m. Thursday to ...

HARTFORD, CT–Duane Grunfeld, a 44-year-old Hartford-area insurance-claims processor, experienced a passing moment of satisfaction in his otherwise agonized existence Tuesday when he purchased a ...

PURCHASE, NY—Pepsico executives are blaming "interdepartmental miscommunication" for the recent $300 million rollout of "Citrus Blast" lemon-lime Doritos. "Apparently, there was some sort of ...

Americans were finally given another outlet for their discretionary-income spending Tuesday, when it was announced that a new consumer-product item is available for retail purchase.

LOUISVILLE, KY—When Adrienne Lundy, 37, a pack-a-day smoker from Louisville, was diagnosed last November with a malignant tumor on her right arm, she knew ...

SHIOCTON, WI—The nation's banking and portable-beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Monday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle mysteriously bearing ...

WILMINGTON, DE–On Monday, Sloan Laboratories, a subsidiary of the Wilmington-based Merton Pharmaceuticals, unveiled Dexiflux-V, a new miracle drug its creators claim will enable users ...

DUBLIN, IRELAND—After centuries of suffering, the people of the world will finally have some much-needed relief from the offending filth of the ubiquitous Irish ...

HOUSTON—The highly touted "Internet Revolution" took another major step forward Monday, when Compaq unveiled the breakthrough Compaq Presario 6000, a $4,995 multimedia computer ...

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA is celebrating a successful start to the first-ever deep-space exploration project funded entirely by elderly women with Monday's activation of ...

DETROIT—Paralysis and violent decapitations contributed to the recall of all automobiles containing neckbelts.

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest anti-depressant, Cyntrex, a product he ...

PURCHASE, NY—Taco Bell’s new burrito will prevent unwanted pregnancies if ingested within 36 hours following intercourse.

SHIOCTON, WI—The banking and portable beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Sunday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle mysteriously bearing the ...