Products
Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs
WASHINGTON, DC—While pug owners are accustomed to chronic dog malfunction, the latest animals are prone to more than the usual overheating, seizures, and joint ...
Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business
FORT WORTH, TX—After a thorough review of its operations, RadioShack CEO Julian Day could provide no real explanation for the analog- riddled company's ...
Roomba Violates All Three Laws Of Roombotics
CHARLOTTE, NC—While the Roomba is only programmed to vacuum, its owner, 35-year-old claims adjuster Ken Graney now fears it may have taught itself to ...
Heavily Processed Food Makes Pathetic Nutritional Claims
59535CHATTANOOGA, TN—In a move that industry observers are already calling desperate, McKee Foods today unveiled new packaging for Little...
FDA Approves Laser Comb
The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you...
Apple Hard At Work Making iPhone Obsolete
CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were...
Chanel Develops Durable, Low-Cost Perfume For Third World
PARIS—"It is our belief that this fragrance will bring much-needed panache to the Third World," said Chanel CEO Maureen Chique, hoping to tap the ...
New Sirius Radio Programs
Sirius Satellite Radio has failed to meet its year-end subscriber expectations. Here are some new shows and channels Sirius is rolling out to gain...
Philip Morris: 'Please Talk To Your Cooler Children About Cigarettes'
NEW YORK—Philip Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products in the United States, released the first in a series of television...
Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic
NEW YORK—A series of brightly colored and inoffensive ad campaigns will also target the key fuckbrain and asshat market segments.
Scavenger-Hunt Party 'Not Leaving Without Twine'
PORTAGE, MI—A scavenger-hunt team dispatched to the Moorsbridge neighborhood continues to occupy the Dean and Nicole Mullikan residence, and...














