Report: No Gay People Actually Refer To Selves As 'Same-Sex Couple'
WASHINGTON—Following the U.S. Supreme Court’s historic rulings on gay rights earlier in the day, a report issued Wednesday by the Human Rights ...
Relationships
Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death
LOS ANGELES—After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always ...
Michael Jordan Accidentally Leaves For Honeymoon With One Of His Mistresses
PALM BEACH, FL—Following an extravagant wedding ceremony attended by hundreds of famous guests, former NBA star Michael Jordan inadvertently left for his honeymoon with ...
Divorce Has Been Pretty Rough On Screen Door
WATERVILLE, ME—The ongoing divorce of Julia Blanchard and Russell Ochoa has been pretty rough on the screen door that leads from their house to ...
Couple At Point Where They're Comfortable Using Toilet At Same Time
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Saying they had reached a point in their relationship where they were comfortable around each other at all times, local couple Adam ...
Weird Sound Emits From Man’s Mouth After Getting Unexpected ‘Hello’
Weird Sound Emits From Man’s Mouth After Getting Unexpected ‘Hello’
Evidence Piling Up Mom Slept With One Of Her College Professors
COLUMBIA, SC—Citing “very strong evidence” that includes his mother saving several of her research papers from the course and how she often mentions how ...
Attorney Friends Catch Up While Briskly Walking Down Courthouse Steps
NEW YORK—Sources confirmed Tuesday that local attorney friends Sam Taub and Peter Glickman unexpectedly met near the main entrance of New York County Courthouse ...
Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago
RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of ...
Area Man Panics After Accidentally 'Liking' 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos
BOISE, ID—As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course ...
Area Man Panics After Accidentally 'Liking' 381 Of His Ex-Girlfriend’s Facebook Photos
As he browsed the social networking site Facebook last night, local man Aaron Neutzling, 24, reportedly panicked after realizing that in the course of the ...
The Onion's Tips For Not Accidentally Murdering Your Girlfriend
In today’s fast-paced world, it seems like just about any guy can accidentally kill his girlfriend at virtually any time.
Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
FREMONT, CA—Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday ...
Devoted Abuser Stops By Girlfriend's Office To Deliver Surprise Threat
Claiming that he just wanted to do something malicious to her, committed abuser Matthew Strachan, 29, surprised his girlfriend at her office Thursday with an ...
Therapist Feels Bad For Dating Patient's Daughter
UTICA, NY—Admitting that he feels “pretty guilty about it,” clinical psychologist William Nesbitt told reporters Thursday that he has found himself in an increasingly ...
Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year
BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead ...
