U.S. Breaks Off Relations With Chad
WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton officially ended years of strained relations, severing U.S. ties with cab driver Chad Ratliff.
Relationships
Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings
ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is ...
Desire To Ejaculate Motivates Local Christian To Wed
PADUCAH, KY—Throughout his life, 22-year-old Matthew Leske has been a devout Christian, attending services three times a week at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church ...
Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him
ST. PAUL, MN—In a chance meeting at a St. Paul grocery store Monday, area resident Erica DeGrath, 23, announced to ex-boyfriend Kevin Hollander, 24 ...
Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him
NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life ...
Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade
LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company ...
Fed Chief Announces Lowering Of Interest In Fed Chief's Wife
WASHINGTON, DC—After 12 years together, the mutual fun Alan Greenspan once had with his wife has greatly depreciated.
Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam
AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded ...
Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus
AUSTIN, TX—Area college students Chris Montez and Amy Hammond achieved orally stimulated orgasm Monday evening after a chance encounter at the Java Europa coffeehouse.
Violence Against Women Linked To Burned Pot Roasts
GAINESVILLE, FL—Researchers have found a direct causal link between overcooked, poorly prepared dinners and spousal abuse.
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage
PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicist Miles Lindgren discovered a commitment vortex from which no love can escape.
Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes
ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a public ...
Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl
KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will spend next Friday evening ...
Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards
WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over."
Posters of Naked Women Fail to Draw Real Naked Women to Dorm Room
BRAMP, KS—Freshmen Chad Drubham and Kurt Beem have been unable to lure non-photographic naked women to their room.
