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Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign

ISSUE 44•33 | 08.13.08 | News

BOONEVILLE, KY—A number of groups withdrew financial support after Cooter Obama punched a swan in the face and mistook Sen. John Kerry for an outhouse. more»
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed

ISSUE 44•30 | 07.26.08 | News

CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang out and drown small children." more»
Cricket Located

ISSUE 44•24 | 06.13.08 | News in Brief

IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite TV... more»
Man On Horse Hates City

ISSUE 41•50 | 12.14.05 | News in Photos
My Songs About Topsoil Say What I Can't

ISSUE 41•49 | 12.07.05 | Commentary

I'm not much of a talker. Never have been. But that doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say. It's just that, sometimes, I can't communicate what... more»
County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer

ISSUE 41•41 | 10.13.05 | Radio News
County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer

ISSUE 41•33 | 08.17.05 | News in Brief

ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull." "In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens." After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts. more»
City Maoist Visits Country Maoist

ISSUE 40•22 | 06.02.04 | News in Brief

WUHAN, CHINA—City Maoist Xing Zhen Shengde returned Monday from a visit to Dunyang, where his country Maoist cousin Ni Yuxian resides. "The great Chairman Mao said we would build a socialist society based on agriculture and peasant farming, and that the peasant had the strength of the mountain and the wind in the trees," the urbane Marxist-Leninist reported Tuesday. "Nevertheless, I did not enjoy eating the rotting pig heads that pass for food in that hell-on-earth. Also, all of the peasants wore sandals." Ni said he understands that sturdy shoes must indeed be needed for escaping the muggers and prostitutes on every street corner in Wuhan. more»
Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait

ISSUE 39•14 | 04.16.03 | News in Brief

INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen, liberated an entire styrofoam container of nightcrawlers, throwing the bait into Rainy Lake. "Run, wormies, run!" said Jorgensen as he gave the former bait its first-ever taste of sweet freedom. "Swim home now!" Informed of the bold act, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals president Ingrid Newkirk praised Jason for releasing the worms from his father's "cruel yoke of tyranny." more»
Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie

ISSUE 47•52 ISSUE 39•11 | 03.26.03 | News

TIPTON, IA—With the invasion of Iraq underway, Janet Sensenbrenner, 54, a Tipton homemaker and mother of three, responded Tuesday by whipping up some of her famous war pie. more»
'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged

ISSUE 39•09 | 03.12.03 | News in Brief

CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that its melons are the biggest, best, or most abundant. "We really expected Knox City, TX, to step up to the plate this year and give us a run for our money," said Mona Simmons, president of the Cordele-Crisp Chamber of Commerce. "Thankfully, they seem content just being the Seedless Watermelon Capital of the World." more»
North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News

BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles. more»
Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report

ISSUE 39•04 | 02.05.03 | News

WOODWARD, OK—U.S. teens are "getting wasted" down at the local quarry 37 percent less than in years past, according to the small-town sheriffs who closely monitor their activities. more»
I Can't Seem To Find The Moline Gay District

ISSUE 44•26 ISSUE 37•04 | 02.07.01 | Commentary

As a gay man, whenever I'm in a new city, the first thing I do is seek out the gay district. Whether it's New York's Greenwich Village, The Castro in San Francisco, or Chicago's Boystown, a gay district has the stores, cafés, and clubs that fit my lifestyle. But I've been here in Moline for two whole days on business and, God help me, I can't find the Moline gay district anywhere. more»
Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky

ISSUE 35•44 | 12.01.99 | News in Brief

TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of Tompkinsville. "When I first laid eyes on the place, I couldn't believe what I was seeing," said Monroe County sheriff Bill McCallum, the first to spot the long-sought mill. "There had to be enough scrawny, toothless men in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin T-shirts and fat, foul-mouthed women in sweatsuits for a thousand Jerry Springer episodes. There was a whole section of the mill that, from the looks of things, pumped out nothing but rattails." more»
Strapping Young Man To Address Congress

ISSUE 35•32 | 09.08.99 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The robust, corn-fed 20-year-old is expected to discuss numerous key issues and impress legislators with his sturdy frame and genial, easygoing manner. "What a fine young man," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said of the all-American boy with the winning grin. "Johnny Armstrong gives me hope for the future of this nation." "I don't know what he is going to speak about," Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) said, "but what a charming, handsome young fellow--much better than the pale, uncharismatic sort we usually get around here." more»
Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There

ISSUE 35•31 | 09.01.99 | News

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worldview of Allen Koechley was shaken Monday, when he became aware of the possibility that non-Schaumburg places exist. more»
Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet

ISSUE 35•31 | 09.01.99 | News

TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the closet, local sources reported Tuesday. more»
Rural Highway Overpass Expresses Love For Tricia R.

08.04.99 | Newswire