Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign
BOONEVILLE, KY—A number of groups withdrew financial support after Cooter Obama punched a swan in the face and mistook Sen. John Kerry for an ...
Rural
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed
CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang ...
Cricket Located
IRWIN, PA—In a feat of extraordinary patience, auditory precision, and monklike concentration, 42-year-old Pat Baer interrupted his favorite TV...
County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer
ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear ...
City Maoist Visits Country Maoist
WUHAN, CHINA—City Maoist Xing Zhen Shengde returned Monday from a visit to Dunyang, where his country Maoist cousin Ni Yuxian resides. "The great Chairman ...
Fisherman's 4-Year-Old Son Liberates Bait
INTERNATIONAL FALLS, MN—During a fishing trip Monday, Jason Jorgensen, the 4-year-old son of International Falls fisherman Bill Jorgensen, liberated an entire styrofoam container of ...
Local Mom Whips Up Some Of Her Famous War Pie
TIPTON, IA—With the invasion of Iraq underway, Janet Sensenbrenner, 54, a Tipton homemaker and mother of three, responded Tuesday by whipping up some of ...
'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged
CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of ...
North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles
BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state ...
Drinking In Quarries Down 37 Percent, Small-Town Sheriffs Report
WOODWARD, OK—U.S. teens are "getting wasted" down at the local quarry 37 percent less than in years past, according to the small-town sheriffs ...
Police Uncover Talk-Show-Guest Mill In Rural Kentucky
TOMPKINSVILLE, KY—After months of searching, Kentucky law-enforcement officials, working closely with federal authorities, discovered a massive, illegal talk-show-guest mill Monday on the outskirts of ...
Strapping Young Man To Address Congress
WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The robust, corn-fed 20-year-old is ...
Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There
SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worldview of Allen Koechley was shaken Monday, when he became aware of the possibility that non-Schaumburg places exist.
Area Homosexual Thinks He's Still In The Closet
TOLEDO, OH—Despite the fact that everyone he meets obviously assumes he is gay, 34-year-old Toledo-area homosexual Jeremy Schuitt still thinks he's in the ...
