New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
Tech Trends looks at the new Samsung Apex, a wearable computing device that streams videos into one eye, the internet into the other, and sucks ...
Science & Technology
Fossilized Evidence Reveals Spazosaurus Was Largest Doofus To Ever Roam Earth
MOAB, UT—U.S. paleontologists reportedly unearthed a nearly intact skeleton of a Spazosaurus Tuesday, an extraordinary discovery providing evidence indicating that the awkward, uncoordinated ...
Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails
CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link ...
Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog
They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit
WASHINGTON—In what is probably being hailed as some sort of groundbreaking discovery, sources confirmed Friday that scientists have most likely identified a new species ...
Scientists Discover Mollusks Are Next Evolutionary Stage For Humans
ANN ARBOR, MI—In a breakthrough study that researchers say adds important insight into the evolution of Homo sapiens, scientists at the University of Michigan ...
World Health Organization: ‘Not Sure How, But Adam Levine’s New Fragrance The Only Antidote To MERS Virus’
GENEVA—Amid the spread of the deadly Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS, virus, the World Health Organization announced today that the only known cure ...
Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come
WINDHELM, SKYRIM—Having completely filled out his skill tree, obtained every unique item, and successfully completed each quest and subquest within the expansive virtual world ...
Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely
LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made ...
New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe
LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic ...
Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird
ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters ...
New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up
WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one ...
Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue
PASADENA, CA—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing ...
Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns
Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its ...
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...
