Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year
WASHINGTON—A consortium of the nation’s leading cactus doctors issued a new set of guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans drink at least 8 cups ...
Science & Technology
Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date
CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today ...
Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers
ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and ...
New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Died In Cretaceous Period Hospice
LAWRENCE, KS—After studying a rich fossil bed in the South Dakota plains, paleontologists from the University of Kansas have confirmed that most Cretaceous Period ...
Study: Human Imagination Capable Of Magnificent Things During Masturbation
PRINCETON, NJ—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, the human brain is capable of wondrous, awe-inspiring things while ...
Whales Beach Selves In Attempt To Purchase 'The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge'
LOS ANGELES—With the release of the breathtakingly comprehensive and awe-inspiring encyclopedia The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge now exactly one week away, sources near ...
Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a study indicating that in ...
Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73
WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian ...
New, Lighter iPhone Hailed By Exhausted, Humpbacked iPhone 4 Users
LOS ANGELES—The nation’s hunchbacked, out-of-breath iPhone users lined up outside Apple stores throughout the country today to purchase the new iPhone 5, which ...
Munchstrosity Created In Frito-Layboratory
TRANSFATSYLVANIA—Conducting an immoral and reprehensible snacksperiment, Doritologists working in the Frito-Layboratory reportedly unleashed an evil of cheddarclysmic proportions Monday when they brought an appalling ...
New Roomba Blender Makes Smoothie Out Of Everything In Its Path
BEDFORD, MA—In an exciting extension of their product line, the creators of the Roomba-brand self-directed vacuum cleaner have introduced the Yumba, a new household ...
iPhone 5 Features
Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event Wednesday.
Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4
WASHINGTON—A comprehensive and groundbreaking new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project has found that only four ...
San Diego Zoo Displays First Rhino Stillborn In Captivity
SAN DIEGO—The San Diego Zoo continues to welcome the record crowds coming from far and wide to see its latest attraction: Ren, the first ...
Nation Tired Of Having To Skim Past Headlines About Apple, Samsung Lawsuit
WASHINGTON—Citizens browsing news sites across the United States expressed frustration Monday after being forced to skim past more headlines about the ongoing patent infringement ...
World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious
'They're Really Good, But We Shouldn't Be Saying That,' Says Spokesman
GLAND, SWITZERLAND—During a press conference outside their Swiss headquarters Thursday, World Wildlife Fund officials backpedaled from a controversial press statement released by the organization ...
