Fully Leveled-Up Video Game Character Marvels At How Far He's Come
WINDHELM, SKYRIM—Having completely filled out his skill tree, obtained every unique item, and successfully completed each quest and subquest within the expansive virtual world ...
Science & Technology
Stunning E3 Announcement Reveals New Video Game Consoles To Phase Out Graphics Entirely
LOS ANGELES—According to fans who attended this week’s E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles, representatives for Sony, Nintendo, and other industry heavyweights made ...
New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe
LOS ANGELES—In an exclusive preview to fans gathered in Los Angeles this week for the E3 gaming conference, Microsoft officials reportedly unveiled an ultra-realistic ...
Renowned Ornithologist Always Secretly Wanted To Be A Bird
ITHACA, NY—Though he now enjoys a successful career as one of the nation’s foremost bird experts, distinguished ornithologist Timothy Washburn admitted to reporters ...
New Study Finds It Is Impossible To Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Give Up
WASHINGTON—According to a groundbreaking new study published Monday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, it is impossible to lose weight, no one ...
Curiosity Rover To Explore Massive Martian Synagogue
PASADENA, CA—Nearly a year after Curiosity’s triumphant Mars landing, scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced today that the NASA rover is preparing ...
Most Buzzed-About Kickstarter Campaigns
Last week, the popular crowdfunding website Kickstarter announced the launch of its 100,000th campaign, having collectively raised a total of $631 million in its ...
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...
Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic
SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday ...
Features Of Motorola’s New Moto X Smartphone
All right, so, The Onion would like to sincerely apologize for not putting together this infographic about the new Moto X smartphone, since we frankly ...
New, Improved Google Maps Lets User Launch Missile At Any Location On Globe
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Tech giant Google announced Wednesday that their newest version of Maps will enable users to fire a missile at any location on ...
New Obesity Drug Delicious
CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed ...
Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles
WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that ...
Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands
Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.
Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard
Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine ...
