Science & Technology
Scientists Discover Gene Responsible For Eating Whole Goddamn Bag Of Chips
ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for big fat hogs, geneticists said that serial chip-eating is hereditary.
Credit-Card Metallurgists Unveil New 'Polonium Plus' Visa Card
FOSTER CITY, CA—In a follow-up to their already successful gold, platinum and titanium cards, Visa metallurgists unveiled the new Polonium Plus credit card Monday ...
Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers
BALTIMORE—A team of researchers at Johns Hopkins University have found a link between the consumption of dog urine and the decreased likelihood of heart ...
World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?
PALO ALTO, CA—Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most totally out-to-lunch freaky head trip since Einstein postulated ...
Nation's Experts Give Up
WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.
The Sony Cyber-Pooch
Offered for sale exclusively over the Internet, Sony's new "Aibo"--a $2,500 robotic dog that can go for walks, wag it's tail ...
Cybercrime
Last week, computer hackers altered several U.S. government web sites, causing the temporary shutdown of Internet servers including those for the FBI, the Department ...
Millions and Millions Dead
As the body count continues to rise, a shaken nation is struggling to cope in the wake of the mass deaths sweeping the world population ...
Hypothetical Cat Simultaneously Dead And Alive, Physicists Say
SYRACUSE, NY—In a turn of events that has baffled students of quantum mechanics for more than half a century, a hypothetical cat was suspended ...
The Anti-Obesity Drug
On April 26, the FDA approved Xenical, a revolutionary new anti-obesity drug. How does it work?
E-Trading On The Rise
A soaring percentage of Wall Street investing is being done over the Internet. Why is e-trading becoming so popular?
Practicing Safe Computing
The "Melissa" e-mail virus, which last week temporarily disabled more than 100,000 computers across the U.S., has sparked discussion of the issue of ...
Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms Of Pseudoscience
MASSILLON, OH—New MagnaSoles shoe inserts harness the power of magnetism to restore the foot's natural bio-flow.
Breakthrough Drug Eliminates Crying In Infants
SOMERSET, NJ—Beleaguered parents worldwide are hailing Johnson Laboratories' new miracle drug Serenex, a single dose of which immobilizes the vocal cords of infants, rendering ...
Doctors No Closer To Cure For Old-Person Smell
BALTIMORE—Doctors at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that after years of research and millions of dollars spent, no progress has been made in the ...
Global-Warming Crisis Makes For Delightful Mid-February Afternoon
EDINA, MN—Impending global ecological disaster resulted in a delightful, balmy mid-February afternoon Monday. "Oooh, this is nice," said Edina resident Todd Crimmons, enjoying a ...

















