Science
Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics
One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest.
Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals
According to researchers, warmer, drier climates are leading to smaller animals, which may disrupt the food chain.
Pediatricians Announce 2011 Newborns Are Ugliest Babies In 30 Years
ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—According to a statement released Tuesday by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the babies born in 2011 have thus far been ...
Report: Fax Machines Still Pretty Impressive If You Think About It
WASHINGTON—Fax machines, despite using 40-year-old technology and having come into prominence in the 1980s, are actually still pretty impressive if you think about it ...
Scientists Trace Heat Wave To Massive Star At Center Of Solar System
PASADENA, CA—Groundbreaking new findings announced Monday suggest the record-setting heat wave plaguing much of the United States may be due to radiation emitted from ...
New Study Shows People With Panic Disorders Respond Poorly To Being Locked In Underwater Elevators
NEW HAVEN, CT—A new study published Monday in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that those who suffer from panic disorder react negatively to ...
Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends
UPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the ...
Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time
BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and ...
Suffering Blue Whales Plead With Environmentalists To Let Them Go Extinct Already
NORTH PACIFIC OCEAN—"We really appreciate all you've done for us, but now you need to let us die," intoned a 170-ton blue whale ...
New Study Confirms Humans Only Use 10% Of Genitalia
BOSTON—A surprising new study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine this week has revealed that human beings only use 10 percent of ...
Cameron Distributing Darwin
Actor Kirk Cameron, best known for his work on the television program Growing Pains, is touring college campuses to hand out copies of Charles...
Bee Stuck Between Screen Door, Front Door Going Fucking Nuts
HUNTSVILE, AL—Users of the front door at 1418 Sycamore Avenue report the appearance of a common bumblebee ricocheting back and forth between...
Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute
TUCSON, AZ—"This potential extinction-level event turned out to be a puss-out of cosmic proportions," explained Dr. Richard Kowalski. "Earth didn't even flinch."
First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday
As controversy swirls around thoroughbred Ship's Captain, the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's abilities, not its sexuality.
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space
Chinese gathered to see Zhang Tong, the first Chinese man to go into space without being chained inside the rocket.
