Science
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed
CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang ...
New 'X-Files' Movie Opens
Six years after it went off the air, The X-Files is back in a new feature-length film titled The X-Files: I Want...
Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food.
George Takei To Wed Partner
Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner....
Genetic Scientists Develop Sheep With Brain Of A Goat
After years of experiments and tens of millions of dollars, scientists have finally created a sheep that thinks and acts like a goat.
Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together
WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the ...
Jaded Seismologist Can No Longer Feel Anything Under 7.0 On Richter Scale
SAN FRANCISCO—Numbed by 30-plus years of recording more than 700,000 major and minor earthquakes, seismologist Richard Keefer, 58, told...
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building
IOWA CITY, IA—The mouse briskly traversed the complicated wooden maze in under 30 seconds, roughly 1/8,789,258 the time it took to ...
Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall
SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for...
Report: Someone Totally Doing It Somewhere Right Now
CHICAGO—From a statistical perspective, it stands to reason that at least two out of all the people on Earth are totally going at it ...
Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide
"We can no longer ignore the facts – carbon dioxide is real," Bush said.
Scientists Warn Ionosphere One Top-40 Hit Away From Exploding
LOS ALAMOS, NM—Astrophysicists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory issued a nationwide alert Tuesday, warning that exposing the ionosphere...
Buoyant Force On Area Object Equal To Weight Of Water Displaced
BROWNSVILLE, AR—An area object partially immersed in a liquid was buoyed upward Tuesday by a force equal to the weight of the liquid...
U.S. Intelligence: Iran Possesses Trillions Of Potentially Dangerous Atoms
WASHINGTON—"Iran maintains the atoms will only be used to form the building blocks of all existence, but we cannot afford to take that risk ...
Study Finds Working At Work Improves Productivity
WASHINGTON, DC—The groundbreaking research found that by simply sitting down and doing work, employees can dramatically increase their output of goods and services.
Political Scientists Discover New Form Of Government
WASHINGTON, DC—Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical...
Scientists Theorize What Would Happen If They Touched A Cloud
CHICAGO—A group of scientists from the University of Chicago raised new questions during an international nephology conference held there...
