Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser
COLUMBIA, SC—Nate Walsh, who has lived with his parents since 2001, no longer figures into the senator’s plan of rallying Americans around a ...
Self-improvement
Mob Not Angry At Monster, Just Disappointed
CEAMURLIA, ROMANIA—"We can't help him unless he helps himself," said a villager. "Right now, all he seems to want to do is hang ...
Area Man Puts On Some Nice Pants For Once In His Life
OAKLAND, CA—Hallelujah, what do you know—reports have surfaced that Michael Bohlke put on a nice pair of pants for once in his 28 ...
Closing Of Homeless Shelter Leaves College-Application-Padding Students With Nowhere To Turn
NEW YORK—The shelter provided a safe place to improve students' transcripts, allowing them to escape from the dangers of cleaning up inner-city neighborhoods.
Rock-Bottom Loser Entertaining Offers From Several Religions
FINDLAY, OH—After declaring his intention to drink himself into oblivion two months ago, Owen Pritchard has nearly every popular religion vying for his devotion.
Man Who Should Be President Has Asymmetrical Eyebrows
DAYTON, OH—With a wide-ranging knowledge of both domestic and foreign issues, unflappable composure, and an uncanny ability to reach across the...
Area Man To Try Showering At Night
POTOMAC, MD—In what is being called a paradigm shift in shower-taking ideology, Matt Kirsch, 27, announced Tuesday his intention to go against...
This Time To Be Different
LAREDO, TX—This time—unlike the time you moved in with the alcoholic chick from New Jersey, the time you and your buddy stole those ...
Failure Now An Option
WASHINGTON —A recent poll revealed that 64% of Americans are comfortable with coming up short, while 43% are content to try only once rather than ...
Karate Lessons Give Child Self-Confidence To Quit Karate
DENVER—"When Daniel first showed up, he was like many of the kids we see – timid and unsure of himself. But look at him now ...
Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up
TIPTON, IN—To raise his spirits, Wes Mendic holds a "mini-Thanksgiving," which consists of microwaved turkey medallions, canned cranberry sauce, and a paper plate.
No One In Women's Shelter Able To Cook Decent Meal
CLEVELAND—Despite having no other household responsibilities to occupy their time, none of the residents of the Cleveland YWCA Battered...
Self-Help Lecture Attendees Surprised To Hear Speaker Was Once Just Like Them
IRVINE, TX—Participants were skeptical of motivational speaker Martin Vaughan's claims until they heard that he was, at one time, also skeptical.
