Senior Citizens

Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

ISSUE 48•04 | 01.27.12 | News in Brief

BOCA RATON, FL—Excited ninetysomethings across the country announced Wednesday they were gearing up to take full advantage of what promises to be the final year of their lives. more»
50-Year-Old Prince Licks AARP Representative's Face

ISSUE 44•25 | 06.18.08 | News in Photos
Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

ISSUE 44•25 | 06.16.08 | News in Brief

PEORIA, IL—Seventy-six-year-old grandmother Anita Graney told reporters Monday that she was "overwhelmed with pride" for having lived to see... more»
Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

ISSUE 44•24 | 06.14.08 | News

BLOOMINGTON, MN—Witnesses report Eileen Rutherford, 78, was overwhelmed by the unusual aromas but appeared delighted when a recognizable pea rolled out of her samosa. more»
Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

ISSUE 44•05 | 02.02.08 | News

CARSON CITY, NV—Once, movies were a quarter, soda pop only cost a nickel, and Hank Fletcher's sphincter was strong enough to expand and contract when he intended. more»
Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

ISSUE 43•50 | 12.13.07 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive recalls... more»
Google Launches 'The Google' For Older Adults

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 45•01 ISSUE 43•39 | 09.26.07 | News in Brief

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The popular search engine Google announced plans Friday to launch a new site, TheGoogle.com, to appeal to older adults not... more»
Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

ISSUE 43•37 | 09.11.07 | News in Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The American people were thrust into a profound existential crisis Sunday after noticing that nostalgia-programming... more»
Bob Barker Era Ushered Out With Touching Plinko Montage

ISSUE 43•25 | 06.19.07 | News in Photos
91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

ISSUE 43•19 | 05.11.07 | Radio News
Great-Grandmother Isn't Actually That Great

ISSUE 43•05 | 02.04.07 | Radio News
Kentucky Senior Finds Human Thong In Driveway

ISSUE 43•03 | 01.21.07 | Radio News
End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree

ISSUE 42•47 | 11.20.06 | News

TOLEDO, OH—The purchase of exorbitant liver transplants and defibrillators failed to quell 74-year-old Oscar Subitzky's end-life crisis. more»
Elderly Man Secretes Last Hormone

ISSUE 42•42 | 10.22.06 | Radio News
National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep

ISSUE 42•42 | 10.13.06 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—The National Trust For Historic Preservation announced Monday that private fundraising efforts will allow the organization to... more»
Detroit Tigers Carry Jim Leyland To Bathroom

ISSUE 42•41 | 10.12.06 | Photo Finish
Amazon 1-Click Bankrupts Area Parkinson's Sufferer

ISSUE 42•17 | 04.26.06 | News in Photos
Golden Years Spent In Brass Urn

ISSUE 41•50 | 12.14.05 | News in Photos
New Medicare Plan

ISSUE 41•46 | 11.16.05 | American Voices

Criticized as needlessly confusing, the new Medicare prescription-drug program, Medicare Part D, went into effect this week. What do you... more»
Veteran Who Stormed The Beach At Normandy Still Getting Laid Because Of It

ISSUE 41•42 | 10.25.05 | Radio News
Onion Weekender For Seniors

ISSUE 41•39 | 09.30.05 | Sunday Magazine
Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame

ISSUE 42•02 ISSUE 41•37 | 09.21.05 | Sports News in Brief

SCRANTON, PA—Your grandfather, a retired tradesman in his 80s, continues to demand that a scrappy, tenacious bulldog of a player whom no one else has ever heard of should be admitted to one of the Halls of Fame. more»
Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

ISSUE 43•28 ISSUE 41•32 | 08.10.05 | News

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine. more»
Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

ISSUE 41•28 | 07.13.05 | News in Brief

EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box in her home. "Dust is falling on the box as we speak," said Reid, struggling to complete a side panel for a pink cozy. "This is worse than the uncovered spare roll of toilet paper in the bathroom last year." In the past, Reid has knitted coverings for such once-naked items as the TV Guide, radio and grandfather clock. more»
If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

ISSUE 41•28 | 07.13.05 | Commentary

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck hardest among the elderly, dozens of whom have died of heatstroke, heat exhaustion and dehydration. If you, like me, are a right-thinking person, your mind recoils in horror at this fact: The old and decrepit are dying by mere dozens? more»
The Social Security Time Bomb

ISSUE 41•27 | 07.06.05 | American Voices

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think? more»
Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike?

ISSUE 41•24 | 06.15.05 | Commentary

I'm glad we finally got this out in the open. I mean, "That a marriage ends is less than ideal, but all things end under heaven," right? I believe that's a quote of mine, or one of John Updike's. Would you pass me a menu? more»
Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer

ISSUE 41•23 | 06.08.05 | News in Brief

TULSA, OK—Though she has tended the same 10' x 25' backyard vegetable plot for more than three decades, local grandmother Helen Fischer, 74, said Monday that the task would be too much for her this year. "My knee hasn't been the same since I hurt it weeding the kohlrabi last summer," said Fischer, slowly lifting a bag of seeds to the mouth of a hanging bird feeder. "I might plant some marigolds in the window box, though, if Kerry's Greenhouse has any nice ones." In a related story, Fischer's husband Ralph said that, while he doesn't believe he'll be stringing the front-yard trees with holiday lights this year, he will still put out the wreaths. more»
Papal Apartments Found Filled With Old Newspapers, Empty Pill Bottles, Mangy Cats

ISSUE 41•15 | 04.13.05 | News in Brief

VATICAN CITY—Housekeeping staff at the Vatican's Apostolic Palace, the official papal residence, were shocked to discover stacks of yellowing newspapers, empty medication bottles, and at least two dozen cats in Pope John Paul II's private apartments this weekend. "We had a very hard time opening the door, and when we finally forced it open, we couldn't believe what we found," maid Giulietta Barricelli said. "Mangy, mewing cats perched atop stacks of newspapers dating back nearly 25 years, plates caked with mold, balled-up Kleenexes everywhere, and cat feces on the carpet. I don't know how the Holy Father, God rest his soul, lived in that horrible, stinking mess." Papal historians claim that some popes develop aberrant pack-rat tendencies late in life, citing Pope Pius XII, who hoarded tin foil and back issues of Catholic Digest. more»
Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

ISSUE 43•19 ISSUE 40•31 | 08.04.04 | News in Brief

SALEM, OR—Kimberly Jones, 43, vividly remembers the bygone days when she took umbrage at being pursued by aggressive suitors, sources reported Monday. "I was quite the looker back in college—I couldn't even go out for a few drinks with my girlfriends without some guy macking on me," Jones said from the kitchen of her one-bedroom apartment. "That used to really piss me off for some reason I can no longer even begin to fathom. Maybe my memory is starting to go." Jones then gazed longingly into her cup of tea. more»

senior citizens

Nation's Ninetysomethings Gear Up For Last Year Of Their Lives

50-Year-Old Prince Licks AARP Representative's Face

Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn Apart

Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced

Google Launches 'The Google' For Older Adults

Nation Suddenly Feels Old After Seeing Nick-At-Nite Lineup

Bob Barker Era Ushered Out With Touching Plinko Montage

91-Year-Old Woman An Expert At Outliving

Great-Grandmother Isn't Actually That Great

Kentucky Senior Finds Human Thong In Driveway

End-Life Crisis Marked By Extravagant Spending Spree

Elderly Man Secretes Last Hormone

National Trust For Historic Preservation To Pay For Andy Rooney's Upkeep

Detroit Tigers Carry Jim Leyland To Bathroom

Amazon 1-Click Bankrupts Area Parkinson's Sufferer

Golden Years Spent In Brass Urn

New Medicare Plan

Veteran Who Stormed The Beach At Normandy Still Getting Laid Because Of It

Onion Weekender For Seniors

Your Grandpa Insists Someone You've Never Heard Of Should Be In Hall Of Fame

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

The Social Security Time Bomb

Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike?

Garden Too Much For Grandma This Summer

Papal Apartments Found Filled With Old Newspapers, Empty Pill Bottles, Mangy Cats

Area Woman Recalls Days When She Resented Being Hit On

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan