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Vast Array Of Lip Balm Options Paralyzes Area Shopper

ISSUE 44•39 | 09.28.08 | Radio News
Soundgarden Inadvertently Reunites At Area Cinnabon

ISSUE 44•32 | 08.08.08 | News

SEATTLE—"At first it was pretty awkward," said one observer. "But then it was like, 'Yes, Soundgarden is back.' It was so intense." more»
New Linens-N-Shit Opens

ISSUE 44•31 | 07.28.08 | News

MACON, GA—If buyers can't find shit in the right color or size, the crap they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the warehouse. more»
Tomato Genetically Modified To Be More Expensive

ISSUE 46•52 ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 44•20 | 05.17.08 | News in Brief

PASADENA, CA—Geneticists at the California Institute of Technology announced Monday that they have developed a tomato with a 31 percent larger... more»
Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants

ISSUE 44•20 | 05.15.08 | News in Brief

RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and... more»
Search For 'Kick-Ass Shelves' Continues

ISSUE 44•14 | 04.01.08 | News in Brief

WARRENTON, OR—After two months of fruitless searching, roommates Trevor Hyzer and Frank Janikowski said Monday that they would not stop... more»
Report: 6 Out Of 10 Americans Cannot Locate Payless Shoes On A Mall Map 

ISSUE 44•10 | 03.07.08 | News

WASHINGTON—"No schoolchild should be allowed to grow up ignorant of the varied chain stores around him," said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. more»
Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend

ISSUE 44•08 | 02.20.08 | News in Brief

SIERRA VISTA, AZ—After a week spent searching for the perfect birthday gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky... more»
Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale

ISSUE 44•05 | 02.01.08 | News

RICHMOND, VA—Customers were assured they would get a pretty good deal on a brand-name mattress. Not an out-of-this-world, unheard-of deal. But pretty good. more»
Crush On Williams-Sonoma Employee Costing Man A Fortune

ISSUE 44•03 | 01.21.08 | News in Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to Woodfield Mall patron Thomas Hill, his growing infatuation with Williams-Sonoma employee Kelly Petersen has... more»
Sears Gold Card Holder Pushing Weight Around Area Sears

ISSUE 43•42 | 10.17.07 | News in Brief

MCKEESPORT, PA—Auspiciously attired in khaki Dockers and a Structure-brand blazer, longtime Sears Gold MasterCard holder Larry Halfhill, 52,... more»
Senate Allocates $460 Billion For Big Labor Day Sales

ISSUE 43•35 | 08.29.07 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The Must Act Now Act authorizes the federal government to take full advantage of "sensational savings" on select and already-reduced merchandise. more»
This Gap Sweater Is Fucking Awesome

ISSUE 43•34 | 08.22.07 | Commentary

So, I'm in the Gap, right? The new fall line is out, and I'm looking at the standard fit, straight-leg jeans. And these fuckers are just awesome.... more»
New Sealy Mattress Recreates Feeling Of Falling Asleep On Bus

ISSUE 43•26 | 06.29.07 | News in Brief

TRINITY, NC—Sealy, the company known for providing innovative sleep technology with its Posturepedic, TrueForm, and SpringFree mattresses,... more»
Is This The Mattress Showroom From The Commercial?

ISSUE 43•25 | 06.20.07 | Commentary

Someone pinch me. Harder! Am I mistaken, or is this the mattress showroom made famous on all those TV commercials? If I stand right here and I... more»
Henry Rollins Laboriously Explains Why Buying Organic Is Punk Rock

ISSUE 43•22 | 05.30.07 | News in Photos
Ascending Soul Already Misses Possessions

ISSUE 43•20 | 05.20.07 | Radio News
Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining

ISSUE 43•20 | 05.17.07 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million... more»
New Billionaire Tries To Develop Eccentricities

ISSUE 43•18 | 05.05.07 | News

LA JOLLA, CA—"Do you think I enjoy sleeping nude in a hyperbaric chamber?" said billionaire Mark Stern, outlining the sacrifices he made to achieve eccentric status. more»
Kid Buys Tiger Woods Golf Shoes Thinking It Will Make Him Chip And Putt Better

ISSUE 43•18 | 05.03.07 | Sports News in Brief

ORLANDO, FL—James McGrath, 10, had his mother purchase the Nike SP-8 TW golf shoe at Dicks Sporting Goods Tuesday in the hopes that wearing... more»
The 10 Products That Will Make You A Good Parent

ISSUE 43•17 | 04.27.07 | Sunday Magazine
MLB Offers Collectible Baseball Signed By Every Player In League

ISSUE 43•16 | 04.19.07 | Photo Finish
Fighting Chinese Piracy

ISSUE 43•16 | 04.18.07 | Infographic

The United States recently filed several complaints with the World Trade Organization against the Chinese government for its failure to clamp... more»
Grocery-Store Worker Can No Longer Bear To Eat Food

ISSUE 43•15 | 04.15.07 | Radio News
China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

ISSUE 43•15 | 04.12.07 | American Voices

Amid allegations that they are harvesting the organs of executed prisoners, China is banning the sale of human organs starting May 1. What do... more»
Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid" Workers

ISSUE 43•15 | 04.09.07 | American Voices

Electronics retailer Circuit City recently fired over 3,400 workers, stating that they were going to replace them with new hires willing to work for... more»
Everyday Customers Mistaken For Terrorists

ISSUE 43•14 | 04.04.07 | Infographic

Recently, there has been a rash of incidents wherein ordinary people are being denied services, such as flights or car rentals, because they share... more»
U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq

ISSUE 43•12 | 03.25.07 | Radio News
Furniture Store Owner Assumed Family Would Be In Commercials For Free

ISSUE 43•11 | 03.15.07 | Radio News
Mall Of Central America Looted On Opening Day

ISSUE 43•10 | 03.10.07 | Radio News