RAVENS Strength: Never shatters Joe Flacco’s confidence by telling him what he actually thinks; Great guy to have in the locker room if you ...

RAVENS Strength: Teammates; Complete lack of control of arm strength and accuracy make conditions for lucky throws perfect; Does pretty hilarious impression of a quarterback ...

RAVENS Strength: One of last few remaining ball hawks in United States; Highly prepared player who constantly studies film to memorize an opposing team’s ...

RAVENS Strength: Antler-based; Natural birthmarks under eyes save a ton of money on face paint; Remains cool and collected in high-pressure environments like Super Bowls ...

RAVENS Strength: Marginally less of an asshole than his asshole brother; Incredibly mobile on the sideline; Received better genetic balance between his father’s competitiveness ...

49ERS Strength: Has no problem with slamming into another human being as hard as he possibly can; Plays four games a year against the Rams ...

49ERS Strength: Considered a very good football player, which is expected to help at the Super Bowl; Inside linebacker position makes him privy to all ...

49ERS Strength: Great height, solid width, spectacular volume, and better-than-average circumference; Always maintains composure after a big drop; Only needs to try for one more ...

49ERS Strength: Lack of NFL experience still allows him capacity to move, use brain; Tattoos of realistic muscle definition make arms look huge; Uncanny ability ...

49ERS Strength: Army of large men who will do whatever he says; Innovative play screamer; One of the NFL’s best at picking quarterbacks, unpicking ...

Onion Sports provides in-depth analysis of X people involved with Super Bowl XLVII: Begin the guide now: Jim Harbaugh More: Find complete Super Bowl coverage ...