Nation Currently More Sympathetic To Demise Of Planet Krypton Than Plight Of Syria
WASHINGTON—According to a national poll conducted by the Pew Research Center Monday, the vast majority of Americans are currently more concerned about the demise ...
Syria
Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day
DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of ...
Family Concerned After John McCain Wanders Into Syria
WASHINGTON—Members of Sen. John McCain’s family expressed deep concern Tuesday after receiving word that the aging legislator had wandered off into Syria.
The Onion’s Tips On How To Prevent Your Major Media Site From Being Hacked
Well, firing your IT person is certainly not a bad place to start. Create safe passwords by only using the trustworthy letters and numbers. Reduce ...
Syrian Electronic Army Has A Little Fun Before Inevitable Upcoming Deaths At Hands Of Rebels
DAMASCUS, SYRIA—After hacking into The Onion’s Twitter account earlier today, members of the Syrian Electronic Army confirmed that the organization simply wanted to ...
Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77
'That Ought To Do It,' Company Sources Confirm
CHICAGO—Following today’s incident in which the Syrian Electronic Army hacked into The Onion’s Twitter account, sources at America’s Finest News Source ...
'Help Has To Be On The Way Now,' Thinks Syrian Man Currently Being Gassed
HOMS, SYRIA—As Syrian military aircraft rained chlorine gas on his community Tuesday, local man Amir Najjar, 36, reportedly assured himself that military and humanitarian ...
'Syrians' Lives Are Worthless,' Obama Tells Daughters Before Kissing Them Goodnight
WASHINGTON—While tucking in his daughters as they settled into bed Tuesday evening, President Barack Obama reportedly kissed the two children gently on the forehead ...
Paranoid Syrian Man Thinks Government Out To Get Him
DAMASCUS—Describing an extensive conspiracy that supposedly reaches the highest corridors of power, a paranoid Syrian man told reporters Tuesday he believes the government is ...
Having Gone This Far Without Caring About Syria, Nation To Finish What It Started
WASHINGTON—More than a year and a half after the conflict began, Americans across the country confirmed Monday that, having come this far without displaying ...
48 Syrian Civilians Massacred During Claire Danes' Emmy Award Acceptance Speech
LOS ANGELES—According to sources in the war-torn country, 48 unarmed Syrians in the small town of Daraya were murdered by government forces while Homeland ...
Target Pulls All Sponsorship From Publicly Ignored Syrian Conflict
MINNEAPOLIS—Retail giant Target announced Monday that, due to a complete lack of public interest or attention in the conflict, the company is ending its ...
Scientists Say U.S. May Have Discovered Previously Unknown Level Of Not Caring About Syria
CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a groundbreaking new scientific study released Tuesday by Harvard University, the U.S.
Kanye West In Feud With Nation Of Syria
In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports on Kanye West's feud with Syria and a company's decision not to bother recalling a defective ...
Report: Syria Running Dangerously Low On Civilians To Oppress
DAMASCUS—Noting that without the brutal subjugation of its masses a totalitarian state is effectively meaningless, Syrian officials announced this week that the country is ...
U.S. General Jealous That Syrian Army Allowed To Attack Citizens
WASHINGTON—U.S. Army Gen. James David Thurman admitted Friday that he felt extremely jealous of the Syrian military’s ability to relentlessly attack its ...
Army Calls For Increased Body Armor For Troops In Syria
Regrets Having To Tell Nation About Syrian War This Way
WASHINGTON—Citing a sharp increase in casualties among combat troops in Syria, top military officers Wednesday called for the distribution of improved body armor to ...
