Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future
MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on ...
Time travel
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'
DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really pathetic" how long it took ...
Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future
LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in ...
New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves
WASHINGTON—Sponsors of the initiative said that with the national unemployment rate at just under 10 percent, it only made sense for young job-seekers to ...
Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
CINCINNATI—"Having every atom in my body split in another dimension just to make a few extra bucks is hard, but my family has to ...
Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future
MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin Teachers Union Tuesday,...
Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots
NEW YORK—"What is this melting dessert of churned animal's milk?" said the man, who came from a future world where Dippin' Dots is ...
Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center
SPOKANE, WA—"Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman in a pastel outfit, but when I turned to look at her ...
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched
OREGON CITY, OR—Science fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos. The...
City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center
HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District Councilman from the future, warned meeting attendees against ...
Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger
ATLANTA—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in time to January 2000 to avert ...
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks
NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the fantastical imaginings of science-fiction writers and futurists, "sucks."
The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia
I am sad to say that for all our efforts in the name of freedom, the future shall be a bleak one, indeed. Such visionary ...
World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?
PALO ALTO, CA—Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most totally out-to-lunch freaky head trip since Einstein postulated ...
