tobacco

  • Philip Morris Introduces New Marlboro Sinus PM Cigarettes

    ISSUE 48•02 ISSUE 0• | 01.15.12 | News in Brief

    RICHMOND, VA—At a press conference Tuesday, tobacco giant Philip Morris introduced its new medicinal cigarette, Marlboro Sinus PM, a smokable nighttime cough suppressant and analgesic designed to ease cold symptoms. more»

  • Area Smoker One Of America's Top Phlegm-Producers

    ISSUE 42•44 | 11.02.06 | News in Brief

    WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Department Of Respiratory Affairs revealed that Brooklyn, NY smoker T. Eric Mayhew, 38, has risen to... more»

  • Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

    ISSUE 41•27 | 07.06.05 | News in Brief

    GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now." more»

  • Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

    ISSUE 40•52 | 12.29.04 | News in Brief

    GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now." more»

  • Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

    ISSUE 40•35 | 09.01.04 | News in Brief

    EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same. more»

  • Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

    ISSUE 40•13 | 03.31.04 | News in Brief

    SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15," said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it's total chaos." Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes. more»

  • Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

    ISSUE 38•41 | 11.06.02 | News in Brief

    EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix." more»

  • The NYC Smoking Ban

    ISSUE 38•36 | 10.02.02 | American Voices

    New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think? more»

  • The Cigarette Tax

    ISSUE 38•07 | 02.27.02 | American Voices

    Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think? more»

  • Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit

    ISSUE 37•35 | 10.03.01 | News in Brief

    DETROIT—Buckhead Tobacco Inc., makers of Hamtramck Smooths and Eastpoint cigarettes, and three other small tobacco manufacturers braced for a protracted court fight Monday, when a $350 class-action lawsuit was filed against Little Tobacco. "The defendants in this case peddled their deadly product for weeks at three local stores," said lead prosecuting attorney Stanley Green. "And memos show their intent to advertise on small, backcountry roads that children bike on every few days." If Little Tobacco is defeated, the $3.5 hundred award would go toward reimbursing its victim and removing the cigarette vending machine from the breakroom of a Detroit-area Safeway. more»

  • Area 31-Year-Old Can't Believe 'You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes' Sign Up To 1982

    ISSUE 36•06 | 02.23.00 | News in Brief

    KIRKLAND, WA–Purchasing a pack of Camel Reds at a local convenience store, 31-year-old Kirkland resident Andy Belfour announced Monday that he "can't fucking believe" the "You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes" sign is already up to 1982. "Christ, I was a freshman in high school in '82," Belfour said. "Now, kids born that year are old enough to smoke? God, I feel so old." Belfour went on to recall that 1982 was the year The Replacements Stink came out, an album he bought on vinyl and played that whole summer while dating Alison Haiduk, his first girlfriend. He then ran his hands through his thinning hair. more»

  • Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

    ISSUE 35•39 | 10.27.99 | News in Brief

    GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now." more»

  • North Carolina Elects Someone To Run Out For Cigarettes

    ISSUE 35•30 | 08.25.99 | News in Brief

    RALEIGH, NC—In a decisive 91-8 vote Monday, the North Carolina Legislature elected Rep. David Schare (D-Wilmington) to run out and get some cigarettes for his fellow legislators. "Mister Speaker and all my distinguished colleagues, I am honored to accept the post of Smokesman-At-Arms," Schare said following the vote. "I will do my very best to fulfill my duties faithfully and diligently. So, who wants menthols?" Schare is the 49th person to hold the recently renamed post, which had been called "Faggoteer General" since the state's first assembly in 1789. more»

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

“Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor’s foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?”

Follow The Onion

Sign Up For The Newsletter

Daily Weekly Video

Other Options: