Activision Reports Sluggish Sales For Sousaphone Hero
SANTA MONICA, CA— "I played in career mode for hours and kept feeling like I was playing the same annoying circus tune over and over ...
Trends
New Eco-Friendly Packaging Triggers Boom In Guilt-Free Littering
NEW YORK—Consumers are now able to discard their refuse wherever they please, knowing it will safely decompose in 10 to 20 years.
No One Admits To Singing, Writing, Producing Nation's No. 1 Song
LOS ANGELES—Neither rejected American Idol contestants nor Diddy have come forward as creators of the song, whose sole lyrics are "Baby baby, Luvya girl."
Open-Minded Music Lover Likes All Kinds Of Metal
LOGANSPORT, IN—Area music enthusiast Curt Webber, 22, is completely open to enjoying "all kinds" of metal, the self-described eclectic iconoclast said Monday.
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play In Time, Place Shakespeare Intended
MORRISTOWN, NJ—"When most people hear The Merchant of Venice, they think 1960s Las Vegas, but it's time to shake things up," said maverick ...
Media Landscape Redefined By 24-Second News Cycle
ATLANTA, GA—Media critics have argued that segments lasting less than four seconds are missing out on some of the nuance and context the old ...
Ultimate Fighting Championship's Popularity
As Ultimate Fighting continues its phenomenal rise, Onion Sports runs down the most commonly cited reasons for the sport's...
Employee's Multitasking Doesn't Include Work
PHOENIX—Though 27-year-old paralegal Pete Gossling prides himself on his ability to efficiently accomplish numerous tasks at once, none of...
Report: Only 7 Band Names Remaining
NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million...
Evening's Events Immediately Recapped With Digital-Camera Slide Show
DENVER—Family and friends attending a two-hour birthday dinner for 26-year-old Josh Kebbekus at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday concluded...
Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs
ROCKLAND, DE—Gels, sprays, and pomades all failed to save 26-year-old Heather Telford from a day of pure hell.
Garden State Some Poor Fuck's Favorite Movie
LOS ANGELES—Despite the existence of cinema classics such as Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Seven Samurai, the 2004...
New SAT Section Tests Ability To Pay Tuition
PRINCETON, NJ—The Educational Testing Service, developer of the Scholastic Aptitude Test, is creating a new section on the standardized...
Man Who Plays Devil's Advocate Really Just Wants To Be Asshole
COLUMBUS, MO—Though area graphic designer Derek Sills says he plays devil's advocate to help his friends better understand opinions...
State Apologies
The Commonwealth of Virginia recently apologized for slavery. Taking Virginia's lead, here are some other past transgressions states have recently...
Norah Jones Releases Debut Album For Third Time
NEW YORK—With critics hailing its sound as "reminiscent of a young Norah Jones," Norah Jones' third album, Not Too Late, features the...
Oscars Reveal Widening Gap Between Best, Worst Dressed
LOS ANGELES—"For every Sarah Jessica Parker, there's an overdressed underclass of Olsens and Abduls," style expert Melissa Rivers said of the country's ...
Temperature Of Coffee Expected To Rise Nine Degrees By End Of 21st Century
WASHINGTON, DC—A report released by the Union of Concerned Dietitians stated that not only will the temperature of coffee increase by nearly...
