Community Mourns Death Of Beloved Drunk Driver
JUNCTION, TX—A senseless tragedy has left this small, close-knit community in the hill country of Texas reeling as they struggle to absorb the devastating ...
Uncensored
Saddam Hussein Complaining To Other Angels About All The Jews In Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Sources within the Kingdom of God confirmed Thursday that late president of Iraq Saddam Hussein has been constantly complaining to his fellow angels ...
Meth Actually Not That Bad For You, Report Doctors Dismantling Stereo
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging a growing scientific consensus over the dangers of methamphetamines, a team of doctors frantically prying apart and dismantling a stereo system released ...
Study Reveals Conditions In Women's Prisons Deplorably Unsexy
A disturbing new study reveals that women's prisons are not the hotbeds of sexy discipline and kittenish exploration they should be.
5-Year-Old Alabama Boy Misses Fun 'Bunker Grandpa'
MIDLAND CITY, AL—Hours after an FBI raid freed him from the underground bunker where he had been held hostage for six days, 5-year-old Alabama ...
Chicago's Annual Homicide Drive Off To Most Promising Start In Decades
CHICAGO—Having tallied a “very promising” 41 murders so far in 2013, police officials confirmed Tuesday that the annual Chicago Homicide Drive was off to ...
Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
ARLINGTON, TX—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Ashley Parker was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous ...
General Mills Gives Honey Nut Cheerios Bee Intense Backstory Of Childhood Foster Home Abuse In Bizarre Rebranding Effort
MINNEAPOLIS—In an unsettling attempt to increase brand visibility and broaden its demographic appeal, the General Mills corporation unveiled a new backstory for its iconic ...
Abusive Father Can't Wait To See The Art He's Inspiring His Kids To Create
CODY, WY—Describing the years of psychological torment he has inflicted upon his two children James, 14, and Amber, 9, local tax attorney Ted ...
Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick
CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable ...
Lonely Teacher, Outcast Student Begin Somewhat Endearing Sexual Relationship
FORT WORTH, TX—Filling the voids of loneliness present in their respective lives, Robert P. Hughes High School science teacher Lorraine Belmont, 33, and sophomore ...
Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs
GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of ...
Local Water Tower Celebrates 50th Year As Repository Of Information On Who Is A Slut
CONCORDIA, MO—According to University of Missouri historian Elliot Torcello, the remarkably well-preserved tower is recognized throughout the region as an indispensable archive detailing ...
Mom Finally Drunk Enough To Put On Bathing Suit
GALVESTON, TX—Members of the Morris family reported that after two margaritas at the Hilton Island Resort bar on Saturday, mom Helen Morris reached the ...
