Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface
The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard ...
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Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy
WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged ...
Steven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty
CANNES, FRANCE—In a brazen attempt to avoid serving jury duty and missing work days, film director and head festival juror Steven Spielberg told the ...
UPDATE: ‘The Onion’ Apologizes For Killing Innocent Boston Man Tom Mahoney
We Spoke Too Soon
BOSTON—Saying that we spoke too soon and probably should have looked at all the facts and information first before pulling the trigger, The Onion ...
BREAKING: 'The Onion' In Kill Range Of Boston Bomber Suspect
Do We Take The Shot? Tweet Us Your Votes
BOSTON—Saying that we have a clear shot and we are ready to fire if given the go-ahead, The Onion has confirmed it will take ...
‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 3 Opens With Every Character Getting Fingered While Discussing Arrival Of Winter
LOS ANGELES—After an extended hiatus, HBO’s Game Of Thrones kicked off its third season last night with a scene featuring every one of ...
Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening
QUEENS, NY—The Robert Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum officially opened its doors to the public Tuesday, drawing over 1,000 visitors with its interactive exhibits ...
The Onion Apologizes
Dear Readers, On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for ...
In Wake Of Tragedy, Americans Demand Reform Of Everything, Anything
After yet another violent attack, the nation has come together to demand crucial reforms of gun laws, mental health care, school security, or literally anything ...
7-Eleven Vignette
Onion Labs and 7-Eleven realized that the cherished institution of democracy presented an excellent opportunity to enrich ourselves, and partnered up to cynically exploit the ...
Internet Explorer – 'Blind Browser'
A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...
Internet Explorer – 'Uninstall'
A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...
Internet Explorer – 'Anger'
A small unknown company called Microsoft approached Onion Labs to help promote their "computing software" Internet Explorer 9. As the direct result of our one ...
No One Murdered Because Of This Image
WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex ...
Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting
BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have ...
In Bipartisan Spirit, Obama Makes Deal To Get Kicked In Balls
President Obama works out an agreement to have Republicans in Congress kick him in the balls in exchange for nothing.
