Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...
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Lawyers Opposing Health Care Law Cite Kids-With-Pre-Existing-Conditions-Can-Go-Fuck-Themselves Clause
WASHINGTON—As the Supreme Court hears oral arguments today on President Obama's health care reform law, plaintiffs aiming to strike down the legislation are ...
Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation's Young Children
Movie fans demand to see new Heath Ledger performance in 'Dark Knight Rises,' a truly authentic Mexican restaurant is shut down immediately, and another dead ...
Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It
First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate.
One Of Those Fucking People Wins New Hampshire Primary
CONCORD, NH—With the majority of precincts reporting, sources are now confirming that one of those fucking guys—one of the ones who wore a ...
Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?
The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy.
Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink
The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple ...
Shitty Graffiti Artist Captures 19-Year-Old Girl's Heart
'He's Also A Terrible DJ!' Teen Squeals
CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored ...
Radio DJ Invites Whole Town To Some Bullshit
TULSA, OK—According to an on-air announcement, KWPA disc jockey Johnny the Radio Bomb is inviting the entire populace of Greater Tulsa to some bullshit ...
Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations
The U.S. offers franchising opportunities to increase revenue, Jessica Milly puts out, and Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories.
Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick
CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable ...
Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal
Jim and Tracy welcome Celebrity Chef Ted Allen on Today Now! to show them how to make the most obnoxious, contrived meals for your dickhead ...
ROCKVILLE, MD—Shit, Dave Pratt's new girlfriend snores.
ROCKVILLE, MD—Shit, Dave Pratt's new girlfriend snores.
COLUMBUS, OH—Heather Owen just said "fuck it" and bought her mums at Home Depot this year.
COLUMBUS, OH—Heather Owen just said "fuck it" and bought her mums at Home Depot this year.
Last American Who Knew What The Fuck He Was Doing Dies
CUPERTINO, CA—Steve Jobs, the visionary co-founder of Apple Computers and the only American in the country who had any clue what the fuck he ...
Shitty Zoo Promoting Hell Out Of New Fruit Bat
WICHITA, KS—Desperately hoping to raise its profile and boost attendance, the Wichita Zoo, long considered one of the crappiest zoos in the United States ...
