UFC Fighter Has Idea For T-Shirt With A Bunch Of Shit Written All Over It
LAS VEGAS—Mixed martial artist Phillipe Nover announced design plans Thursday for a new T-shirt that he claimed would be completely covered in hundreds of ...
Unsponsored
Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting
WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spent nearly 20 minutes of a cabinet meeting Tuesday rambling on about recent fluctuations in ...
'It's A Privilege To Have Worked With Such Talented People,' Says Coworker Getting The Fuck Out Of There
EUGENE, OR—During his final day of work at R&C Media on Friday, consultant Carlton Davies told coworkers it was "an honor" to have ...
Introducing The Onion Review, The Most Vital Recap In The History Of News
Every week beginning April 7, The Onion will present a video review of the most vital events of the past seven days. Now, you can ...
Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises
According to a study published in the journal Nature, missing chunks of DNA show that human ancestors may once have had barbed penises.
Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter
TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from ...
Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart
In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in ...
Excited Virginia Fans Storm Court To Beat Shit Out Of Duke Basketball Team
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In a stunning and brutal display of support last Wednesday, frantic Virginia fans rushed the court at John Paul Jones Arena, swarmed the ...
'New York Times' Moves All Content You Won't Give A Shit About Unless You Make At Least $200K A Year Into One Convenient Section
NEW YORK—In an effort to highlight content of interest to the subscribers it values most, The New York Times announced Monday it would move ...
New Swears
SHOWTIME
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
The circumstances surrounding the creation of cuntsmack, dickfinger, and shittop are discussed.
'But A Fox Wouldn't Eat Gingerbread,' That One Precocious Little Asshole Reports
HORSEHEADS, NY—According to that one little asshole who's too smart for his own good and always insists on sitting right up at the ...
'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network
This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today's toughest issues. America's Goin ...
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut.
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs
From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
China’s Andy Rooney Has Some Funny Opinions About How Great The Chinese Government Is
The curmudgeonly Poyuan Wei thinks the only thing wrong with the Chinese Government is that they are not tough enough on dissidents.
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea
From Onion News Network International: North Korea's space program will capture the moon and bring it home, a feat no Western nation could accomplish.
