According to a new survey, whether a candidate seems like they could take a sucker punch in a drunken brawl is extremely important to voters.
Today Now! brings you the inspiring story of Brian Peete, a fat boy who hid his obesity from other children at the pool by keeping ...
Congressman Gary Nelson has an economic plan to raise his family's standard of living.
Thanksgiving is a time for far-flung family members to reunite with each other and share in holiday cheer at the airport.
Panelists discuss the tragic lack of media access in Darfur and how we can help Darfurians realize how much we're helping them.
Start your day with our morning show, Today Now! Join hosts Jim and Tracy as they welcome Dave Portman, a real-life Frankenstein's monster.
In this Onion News Network special feature, our soldiers stationed abroad remind us there's still a war going on.
Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.
Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city's annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.
Rep. Gelinas proposes an educational bill to increase the number of young people he meets in under-13 chat rooms.
Officials in California dedicated the Folsom Dam Memorial, which will honor the nearby residents that will die when the faulty dam fails.
Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears.
Rep. John Haller (R-PA) introduces a bill that will allocate (classified) dollars over the next (classified) years to fight flesh-eating (classified).
'Cum Inside' star Jennica St. Foxx is receiving heavy criticism for using a racial slur in her latest film.
The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats--no matter how inane.
A group of country music's biggest stars have a message for terrorists: you can't hurt America by blowing up New York City.
Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger.
The CEO of L.L. Bean pleads with black leaders to forgive his company for whatever it's done to cause this decades-long boycott.
Panelists discuss why the media and public are not paying more attention to the overwhelming success of the U.S.'s invasion of Iraf.
According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist.