War For The White House

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

ISSUE 48•20 | 05.17.12 | Onion News Network On IFC

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly. more»
Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

ISSUE 48•18 | 05.01.12 | War For The White House

This week the Romney campaign introduced "Paco", a taco-loving cartoon parrot, in hopes of appealing to Latino voters. more»
Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.25.12 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Saying they held no grudge against him and were just glad he was back where he belongs, a group of cultural footnotes from the 1990s announced today that they were happy to welcome home former Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich... more»
Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

ISSUE 48•17 | 04.24.12 | War For The White House

Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." more»
Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.18.12 | News

CHICAGO—After coming to terms with the limited scope of what he can realistically expect to accomplish as president, Barack Obama announced Wednesday a new, more practical campaign slogan that will serve as the cornerstone for his 2012 reelection bi... more»
Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

ISSUE 48•16 | 04.17.12 | War For The White House

A troubling report finds that by 2040 every presidential candidate will be unelectable to political office due to their embarrassing Facebook posts. more»
Rick Santorum: A Candidacy Remembered

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.12.12 | Slideshow
Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It's Our Turn

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.12.12 | War For The White House

While most Democrats plan to vote for Obama in November, they continue to tell pollsters they're "undecided" just for the fun of messing with the president's head. more»
Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.11.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Though most observers believed Mitt Romney had the 2012 Republican presidential nomination wrapped up, the 2016 campaign of New Jersey governor Chris Christie came out of nowhere Wednesday to convince delegates that the future candidate d... more»
Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

ISSUE 48•15 | 04.10.12 | News in Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Following Rick Santorum's announcement Tuesday that he would end his bid for the Republican presidential nomination, candidate Newt Gingrich called upon frontrunner Mitt Romney to drop out of the race so the former House speaker could co... more»
Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

ISSUE 48•14 | 04.04.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference on behalf of presidential candidate Mitt Romney, campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul told the American public how deeply sorry the GOP frontrunner was to have missed the nation's piano recital Saturday. more»
Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

ISSUE 48•13 | 04.02.12 | War For The White House

Seeking to dispel accusations of flip-flopping, Romney unveiled plans to use a time machine to kill earlier versions of himself who believed in universal health care and gay rights. more»
Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.30.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. more»
Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

ISSUE 48•13 | 03.26.12 | News

WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can't help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party. Smitten female voters across ... more»
Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

ISSUE 48•12 | 03.22.12 | News

WASHINGTON—According to a Gallup poll released Thursday, a majority of Americans believe the best and most satisfying aspect of the entire 2012 presidential primary experience has been the opportunity to spend extended time in the company of four ju... more»
Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.14.12 | War For The White House

Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight. more»
Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | News in Brief

LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying his campaign has "really dodged a bullet so far," Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief, no one has asked his opinion on interracial marriage. more»
Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

ISSUE 48•11 | 03.13.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain key wins in today's primaries, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has adopted a new strategy that targets the crucial people-who-vote demographic, sources confirmed. more»
Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.07.12 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Saying that they didn't want to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the Republican presidential primary, representatives of the media urged the public not to be swayed by its breathless coverage and over-analysis of every resu... more»
Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—A Gallup poll released Tuesday suggests voters are highly resistant to electing a Mormon who is Mitt Romney as president of the United States. more»
Romney Now Flaunting His Wealth To Impress Voters

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.06.12 | War For The White House

Instead of downplaying his millionaire status, Mitt Romney is now wearing fur coats and gold chains. more»
Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

ISSUE 48•10 | 03.05.12 | News

WASHINGTON—As Rick Santorum has emerged to become Mitt Romney's leading opponent for the Republican presidential nomination, the American electorate said Monday it had slowly begun to realize that the former Pennsylvania senator sincerely believes e... more»
Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

ISSUE 48•09 | 03.01.12 | War For The White House

An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a man they barely know when there's someone out there who truly cares for them. more»
Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention

ISSUE 48•03 | 01.20.12 | News in Photos
Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday

ISSUE 45•05 | 01.27.09 | News in Brief

SPRINGFIELD, IL—As his impeachment trial began Monday, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich kicked off a national media tour to explain that... more»
Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

ISSUE 45•04 | 01.21.09 | News

WASHINGTON—"Well, I know one guy who doesn't need a job," said the new president, growing more annoyed as it became clear that the thumping was not going to stop. more»
Security Measures For The Inauguration

ISSUE 45•04 | 01.21.09 | Infographic
Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen

ISSUE 45•04 | 01.21.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Moments after witnessing the historic inauguration of President Barack Obama Tuesday, the massive, euphoric crowd shifted to the... more»
Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath

ISSUE 45•04 | 01.20.09 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON—Network news cameras covering Barack Obama's inauguration ceremony Tuesday captured Hillary Clinton silently moving her lips... more»
Most Frequently Heard Words In Obama's Inauguration Speech

ISSUE 45•04 | 01.20.09 | Statshot

war for the white house

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot

Group Of '90s Footnotes Welcomes Gingrich Home

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Obama Launches More Realistic 'I Have Big Ideas But We'll See How It Goes' Campaign Slogan

Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook

Rick Santorum: A Candidacy Remembered

Democrats: Obama Has Dicked Us Around For Four Years, Now It's Our Turn

Christie 2016 Comes From Nowhere To Win Republican Nomination

Gingrich Urges Romney To Drop Out So He Can Focus On General Election

Busy Romney Sorry He Missed Nation's Piano Recital

Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself

Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

Poll Shows Best Part Of Primary Season Has Been Really Getting To Know, Spend Time With 4 Great Guys

Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

Poll: 63% Of Americans Say They Have A Problem With A Mormon President Who Is Also Mitt Romney

Romney Now Flaunting His Wealth To Impress Voters

Voters Slowly Realizing Santorum Believes Every Deranged Word That Comes Out Of His Mouth

Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention

Blagojevich Claims Behavior Was Just Elaborate Plan To Surprise Patrick Fitzgerald With Senate Nomination On His Birthday

Obama Inauguration Speech Ruined By Incessant Jackhammering

Security Measures For The Inauguration

Inauguration Crowd Moves To White House Gates To Watch Presidency Happen

Hillary Clinton Mouthing Along To Presidential Oath

Most Frequently Heard Words In Obama's Inauguration Speech

American Voices »

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan