Freezing, Coatless Woman Has Decided It Is Spring
CHICAGO—Wearing a cardigan and a thin scarf, freezing woman Melissa Cady, 34, reportedly walked to work in frigid temperatures today following her decision that ...
Weather
Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders
CHICAGO—The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to ...
Weather Forecast Says It's Windy As A Bastard
Jim and Tracy throw to a local weatherman who reports it sure is windy as shit today.
Superstorm Sandy Kills 38
Though downgraded to a post-tropical cyclone, Sandy has left 38 U.S. residents dead, cut electricity to 8.2 million, flooded large swaths of the ...
New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie
EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters ...
Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy
With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait ...
Misinformed Man Riding Out Storm In Bathtub Filled With Batteries
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that “you can’t be too prepared,” Brooklyn resident and seriously misinformed man Jason Randolph told reporters today he plans to get ...
20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store
NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate ...
Hurricane Gives Holed-Up Couple Great Chance To Have All Those Fights They've Been Avoiding
NEW YORK—Holed up in their apartment while Hurricane Sandy continues its path up the East Coast, local couple Tim Zucchino, 29, and Helen Powell ...
Hurricane Sandy Slams East Coast
Bringing winds up to 85 miles per hour, a potentially devastating storm surge, and the threat of blizzard conditions at higher elevations, the historic and ...
Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain
The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like ...
Scattered Deaths Of Elderly Floridians Expected Throughout The Week
The Onion Weather Center provides its forecast for Sarasota, Florida where it’s partly cloudy and 84 degrees; Louise Covert, 79, is dead from complications ...
We Dumb It Down The Best We Can For Our Viewers In The Deep South
The Onion Weather Center delivers a very special weather report for all of our very special viewers in the Deep South, who require a little ...
Chief Meteorologist Mike Matthias Gives The Nightly Forecast For His Ex-Wife Sara
The Onion Weather Center takes a look at the weather in the Pacific Northwest, specifically Mill Plain, WA where Sara now lives with the kids ...
Bostonians Urged To Speak Like Normal Human Beings When Communicating With Flood Rescue Personnel
The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Northeast, where it's a perfect day for a wealthy brat to fall off her daddy's horse ...
Arizona Heatwave Forces Temporary Suspension Of Racial Profiling
The Onion Weather Center looks at the southwest where sweltering heat in Arizona will force law enforcement officials to suspend racial profiling for the day ...
Sunshine And High Temps In L.A. Make It Another Perfect Day To Be Greg Kinnear
The Onion Weather Center provides its forecast for Los Angeles, where it’s another marvelous day to be Academy Award-nominated actor Greg Kinnear; temperatures are ...
