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Report: 5th Floor A Bunch Of Pompous Dicks

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.25.12 | News in Brief

SEATTLE—Citing their stuck-up attitudes and stupid, hip little outfits, a devastating new report from Waverly Building sources found Tuesday that the people who work on the fifth floor are a bunch of pompous dicks. more»
Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

ISSUE 48•21 | 05.24.12 | Onion Special Report

Kevin Bright's coworkers were shocked to learn that the mild-mannered, reserved temp spends his free time performing shitty music. more»
Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out

ISSUE 46•33 | 08.19.10 | News in Brief

RALEIGH, NC—Friends of local man James Perry, reported Tuesday that the 29-year-old somehow lives in a perpetual state of anxiety and agitation despite of his total lack of any meaningful personal or professional responsibilities. more»
Sales Team Transforms Itself Into Giant Robot Sales Tiger

ISSUE 45•06 | 02.09.09 | Radio News
Unsuccessful 20 Years Old You Don't Need To Be Jealous Of

ISSUE 44•29 | 07.18.08 | Sunday Magazine
Businessman Takes Power Bath

ISSUE 44•15 | 04.09.08 | News in Brief

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Citing a need to compete in today's "cutthroat" business environment, PricewaterhouseCoopers CEO Samuel DiPiazza has made... more»
Exhausted Doctor To Wake Up Early, Finish Surgery In Morning

ISSUE 43•38 | 09.20.07 | News in Brief

LOS ANGELES—Just moments after successfully stopping his patient's heart at 10:30 p.m. Tuesday, bleary-eyed surgeon Dr. Dennis Kelly called... more»
New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork

ISSUE 43•32 | 08.09.07 | News in Brief

BARABOO, WI—Traveling circus performer Scott Mueller, who said he has dreamed of becoming a lion tamer since childhood, was dismayed Monday... more»
Turning Your Spare Time Into Work Time

ISSUE 43•14 | 04.06.07 | Sunday Magazine
Sensitivity Training Seminar Retarded

04.04.07 | Newswire
Iraqi Insurgent Takes Day Off To Do Some Personal Killing

ISSUE 43•14 | 04.03.07 | Radio News
Desperate Drug Addict Driven To Get Job

ISSUE 43•10 | 03.08.07 | Radio News
Fired Muscle Magazine Editor Will Arm Wrestle For Job

ISSUE 43•09 | 02.28.07 | Radio News
Viacom Departments Most Affected By Layoffs

ISSUE 43•09 | 02.28.07 | Statshot
MLB No Longer Accepting New Players

ISSUE 43•08 | 02.22.07 | Sports News

MILWAUKEE—In a tersely worded press release Tuesday, Major League Baseball sent a strong message to the thousands of college, high-school, and Little League athletes who have voiced their desire to someday become professional baseball... more»
Per Diem Spent On 8-Pound Block Of Cheese

02.20.07 | Newswire
Junior Executive Awarded Second-Place Trophy Wife

ISSUE 43•07 | 02.19.07 | Radio News
Full-Time Mother Drinking On The Job Again

ISSUE 43•07 | 02.13.07 | Radio News
Carhartt Introduces Rugged Work Thong

ISSUE 41•39 | 09.28.05 | News in Photos
Native-American Realtor Doesn't Believe In His Job

ISSUE 41•38 | 09.27.05 | Radio News
CEO Barbie Criticized For Promoting Unrealistic Career Images

ISSUE 41•36 | 09.07.05 | News

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel is under fire from groups who say the new Barbie presents unattainable career goals to young girls. more»
AFL-CIO Split

ISSUE 41•31 | 08.03.05 | American Voices

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think? more»
Area Man Killed In Committee

ISSUE 41•28 | 07.13.05 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m. departmental meeting. "We threw Nathan out there and discussed him at length, but in the end we decided he just wasn't viable," K&L creative director Marcus Somers said. "We had a lot of really high hopes for Nathan, and we certainly tried to make him work, passing him back and forth and letting everybody take a stab at him, but in the end he just died on the table." Somers extended his "deepest regrets" to Lohaus' wife and children. more»
Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

ISSUE 41•27 | 07.06.05 | News

ELGIN, IL—A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday. more»
Lure Of Free Meal Each Shift Too Great For Disgruntled Arby's Employee

ISSUE 41•08 | 02.23.05 | News in Brief

WEST WENDOVER, NV—Although he hates working at Arby's "more than anything," prep cook Taylor Ochtrup, 17, told reporters Monday that he would quit if it weren't for the $6 meal allowance that he earns for every shift of four hours or more. "The hours suck, I always work weekends, and the manager is a dick, but hey, free Super Roast Beef," Ochtrup said. "And, if I work until closing, I get to take home any extra Curly Fries." Although he has no health insurance, Ochtrup said his kitchen drawers are "chock-full of Horsey Sauce." more»
Teach For America Chews Up, Spits Out Another Ethnic-Studies Major

ISSUE 46•26 ISSUE 41•07 | 02.16.05 | News

NEW YORK—Teach For America has devoured another ethnic-studies major, 24-year-old Andy Cuellen reported. more»
Grocery-Store Worker Can't Bear To Eat Food Anymore

ISSUE 40•35 | 09.01.04 | News in Brief

FLOURISSANT, MO—Pick'n Save stockboy Joel Melcher said Monday that his overexposure to groceries has destroyed his taste for food. "When I first started working here, I thought, 'This is awesome—I'll be able to bring bags of food home from work every night,'" said Melcher, who receives a 25 percent discount at the store. "But now, being around it all day long, at the end of the day I can't even stand to look at frozen food, baked goods, meat, dairy items, or produce. Makes me sick just thinking about it." Melcher has vowed that, when he gets a new job, he "will never set foot in a grocery store ever again." more»
Employee's Loyalty Garners CEO's Contempt

ISSUE 40•32 | 08.11.04 | News in Brief

NEW YORK—Associate account manager Henry Keel's devotion to Wegman Financial Corp. fills CEO Roger K. Scarvon with contempt, Scarvon said... more»
New Co-Op Airline Offers Cheaper Fares If You Help Fly The Plane

ISSUE 40•06 | 02.12.04 | News in Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software. more»
Report: Overseas Sweatshops Hurting U.S. Sweatshops

ISSUE 36•37 | 10.18.00 | News in Brief

WASHINGTON, DC– According to a Labor Department report released Monday, foreign sweatshops are seriously diminishing the profitability of domestic sweatshops. "Since January 1999," the report read, "more than 200 U.S. sweatshops have been forced either to close or issue massive layoffs due to unfair competition from Far East sweatshops." Said Bruno Stoops, manager of the Queens, NY, sweatshop Best Fabrics, which employs some 150 illegal Honduran immigrants: "How can I compete with some Hong Kong sweatshop when I'm paying my employees 85 cents an hour and can only force them to work 16-hour days? In Asia, they can produce equally shoddy goods for 13 cents an hour." more»