First-Ever Gay 'Dear John' Letters Begin Reaching U.S. Troops Overseas
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Hailed as a monumental step toward equality by gay rights activists, hundreds of Dear John letters reportedly began reaching newly outed troops overseas ...
World
Public Bathroom's Condition Why World's Problems Are Unfixable
Public Bathroom's Condition Why World's Problems Are Unfixable
Lack Of Media Interest Makes Genocide Cover-Up Unnecessary
AFMADOW, SOMALIA—Utter global disinterest in the wholesale slaughter of 250,000 ethnic Bajuni people this week has caused Somali warlord Maj.
Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years
President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not ...
Nation Would Rather Think About 9/11 Than Anything From Subsequent 10 Years
NEW YORK—As media coverage of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 ramps up this week, citizens across the United States collectively realized they would ...
Responsible Cable News Outlets To Devote Sensible Amount Of Airtime To 10th Anniversary Of 9/11
NEW YORK—Promising to cover the event responsibly and with the kind of delicate restraint it deserves, the nation's cable news outlets announced Monday ...
America Gets Set To Enjoy Month Or So Of Libya Seeming Like Symbol Of Freedom
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Americans across the nation told reporters Wednesday that with the collapse of Muammar Qaddafi’s despotic regime, they were preparing to savor ...
Voice Inside Cheering Libyan Rebel's Head: 'Oh, Fuck, Now What?'
TRIPOLI—An uneasy voice inside the head of cheering Libyan rebel Ahmed Jibril reportedly said, "Oh, fuck, now what?" Wednesday as the jubilant fighter celebrated ...
'I'm Still In Charge Of Libya,' Mumbles Qaddafi From Inside Compound's Air Vent
'I'm Still In Charge Of Libya,' Mumbles Qaddafi From Inside Compound's Air Vent
GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive ...
College Student Still Managing To Look Like Asshole In Picture Of Village He Helped Build
PRINCETON, NJ—Even while posing for a picture alongside impoverished people he helped provide humanitarian aid to, college junior Dave Morris—with that smug, know-it-all ...
Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good
Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the ...
FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now
WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A.
Windows Opened On Both Coasts In Effort To Create Transcontinental Cross-Breeze
WASHINGTON—In a move to combat record-high temperatures and facilitate some much-needed cross-country ventilation, the Department of Housing and Urban Development announced Friday it had ...
All Flights Grounded After FAA Officials Suddenly Realize That Man Was Not Meant To Fly
WASHINGTON—Shortly after 3 p.m. today, the Federal Aviation Administration ordered the immediate grounding of all commercial and private aircraft, a result of top ...
Al-Qaeda Claims U.S. Mass Transportation Infrastructure Must Drastically Improve Before Any Terrorist Attacks
WASHINGTON—In a 30-minute video released Thursday, al- Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri criticized the mass transportation infrastructure of the United States, claiming significant repairs and ...
