Year In Review 2009 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Biden Jumping Motorcycle
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Last Updated 12:21 PM

year in review 2009

Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | News

Slowly inching his segmented exoskeleton across the floor of the primordial waters, a local marine arthropod, class Trilobita, reported that Earth's natural evolution was "progressing quite nicely." more»
African-Americans Go From Being No Good At Sports To Being Only Good At Sports

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | Sports News in Brief

The late 1940s and '50s saw a role reversal unprecedented in the history of sport, as African-Americans—once thought incapable of physically... more»
Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | Today Now!

Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D. more»
A Long, Elaborate History Of Time

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | Interactive Slideshow
Early Humans Finally Drunk Enough To Invent Dancing

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | News in Brief

Prominent ethnochoreologists now believe that roughly 20,000 years ago, early humans finally consumed an amount of fermented fruits and vegetables... more»
Henry Ford Modernizes Production

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | American Voices

The Ford Motor Company is revolutionizing production of the automobile with the introduction of the assembly line. What do you think? more»
Woman Domesticated

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | News

Once burdened with physically demanding chores, exhausting farm work, and other unpleasant duties, man's quality of life dramatically improved after his successful domestication of the common woman. more»
Some Of Man's Most Important Inventions

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | Infographic

Inclined Plane: A simple machine consisting of a... more»
Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.16.09 | News

In what scholars generally consider to be one of the biggest dick moves in recorded history, 28-year-old cashier Duane Hoyt hastily departed Olympia, WA in the summer of 1987 still owing roommates Luke Dalrymple and Kyle Strickland almost 1,300 bucks in back rent and utilities. more»
Obsessive Freak Abner Doubleday Forces Locals To Play Nonsensical Game

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | Sports News in Brief

COOPERSTOWN, NY—In a series of baffling events during the summer of 1839, obsessive freak Abner Doubleday reportedly coerced locals into... more»
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | News

In one of Christianity's most momentous events, members of the earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 5,600 years ago as God created Heaven and Earth. more»
Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | News

More than 65 million years ago, a cataclysmic event drove a majority of the Earth's species into extinction, and tragically, wiped out the last of the dinosaurs long before bazookas could be invented and used on them. more»
A Complete History Of Art

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | Slideshow
Pilgrims Depart For America To Escape Horrible Oppression Of Soccer

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | Sports News in Brief

On Sept. 16, 1620, a group of Puritan Separatists took to the sea in hopes of escaping persecution from soccer and its ardent followers, specifically those who would not allow the Pilgrims to live a life in which they could openly reject traditional soccer practices. more»
New 'War' Enables Mankind To Resolve Disagreements

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | News in Brief

With the groundbreaking development of "war" more than 7,000 years ago, mankind acquired a new tool that for the first time ever made it possible to definitively resolve conflicts of any kind. more»
Magna Carta Issued

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | American Voices

The Magna Carta, which limits the powers of the king and binds him to the rule of law, was issued on June 15, 1215. What do you think? more»
Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

ISSUE 45•50 | 12.15.09 | News

According to recently discovered journals, the 14th century's rat-feces-smeared men of science were at a total loss to explain how the Black Death was able to spread so quickly across Europe. more»
The Ones We Lost

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.15.09 | Infographic

Medieval peasant Hadriel Rolfe passed away on March... more»
Roman Populace Constantly Argues Whether Chariot-Racing Is Actually A Sport

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Sports News in Brief

While the practice of racing chariots on circular or oval tracks enjoyed extreme popularity in the Roman Empire, particularly in the rural Southern provinces, historians claim its legitimacy as an athletic event was often a topic of heated debate among contemporary sports enthusiasts. more»
Forgotten Sports

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Sportsgraphic

For every international sporting league, a dozen or more once-popular sports have fallen by the wayside. Here are some of the more notable forgotten games more»
Discobolus

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Strongside/Weakside

This discus thrower has been one of the most recognizable figures in sports for thousands of years. Is he any good? more»
Smarmy, Under-Performing A-Rodicus Struggles To Win Over Coliseum Fans

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Photo Finish
On The Greatest Moment In Sports History

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Fan On The Street
Neanderthal Man Flocking To Caves

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | American Voices

All over Western Europe and Central Asia, Neanderthal man is inhabiting caves in record numbers. What do you think? more»
Industrial Revolution Provides Millions Of Out-Of-Work Children With Jobs

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | News

After centuries of chronic unemployment, millions of small children across the United Kingdom saw their lives drastically improve when the Industrial Revolution at long last provided them with steady factory work regardless of age, size, or experience. more»
Fire, Setting Everything In Sight On Fire Discovered

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | News

In what was perhaps the most meaningful discovery ever made, early man exited the safety and shelter of his prehistoric cave, struck two stones together, and for the first time in history created fire. more»
Deaths Of 550,000 Confirm Which Mushrooms Are Okay To Eat

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | News in Brief

Following the lethal poisoning of more than a half million people over the course of several millennia, cultures across the globe finally learned how to identify which mushrooms could be safely consumed. more»
Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | News

Following 1,000 years of cultural decline and societal collapse known as the Dark Ages, the 15th century brought forth the Renaissance, an unprecedented resurgence in learning and the arts, which four or five guys pretty much just strapped onto their backs and carried the whole way. more»
Either Ming Or Yuan Dynasty Seizes Control Of Mainland China

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | News in Brief

In one of the most important events in all of Asian history, either the Ming dynasty or the Yuan dynasty seized control of mainland... more»
Great Monuments To Human Achievement

ISSUE 45•51 | 12.14.09 | Interactive Slideshow