Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options
Sports »
Kobayashi Retires From Eating
NAGANO, JAPAN—Mere hours after eating what he claims to be his "farewell meal" Tuesday, longtime competitive consumer of comestible goods Takeru Kobayashi formally announced that, after a career that has spanned nearly his entire lifetime,... more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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New Hampshire Passes Law Forcing Old People To Watch Gays Marry
CONCORD, NH—Less than two weeks after legalizing gay marriage in the state, New Hampshire legislators enacted a new law Tuesday making it......more»
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Infographic »
Landmark Gay Rights Cases
With New Hampshire becoming the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage, gay rights have come a long way in the past 100 years. Here are some......more»
Local
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Awful Man Offers Witty, Acerbic Take On Everything He Sees
ROCKVILLE, MD—According to friends of the modern-day Oscar Wilde, Alan Bower has a knack for sucking every last bit of genuine enjoyment out of any situation with his hilarious, nonstop incisiveness....more»
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National News Highlights »
LANCASTER,PA-After dancing to "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" alone for an hour, Emily Axford finally stopped when she twisted her ankle.
World
Entertainment
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King Of Pop Dead At 12
LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12.......more»
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Horoscopes »
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
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TV Listings »
The Bachelorette
ABC
8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT
After viewing a production of Tony N' Tina's Wedding, the bachelorette, clad in a penis-shaped hat and a sash, gets drunk on oversized margaritas with 11 of her friends at a local Mexican place, then dances lewdly for hours in a nearby bar with no dance floor.
Science & Technology
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Twitter Creator On Iran: 'I Never Intended For Twitter To Be Useful'
SAN FRANCISCO—Creator Jack Dorsey was shocked and saddened this week after learning that his social networking device, Twitter, was being......more»
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News In Photos »
Bored Predator Drone Pumps A Few Rounds Into Mountain Goat
Opinion
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Commentary »
Snyder's Of Hanover Has Always Been In Pretzels For The Long Haul In this world of ever-changing loyalties, it seems at times as though nothing consistent and permanent remains. Nothing in which one can place......more»
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Advice »
Ask A Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right NowDear Wise Old Navajo Man Who Could Really Go For A Hamburger Right Now, My husband and I take lots of vacations together. It......more»
Economy
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Video »
US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com
Treasury officials say the gold has just been in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government needs the money NOW....more»
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New Homely Doll To Improve Self-Image Of Young Girls
EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel, which has been criticized in the past for promoting unrealistic standards of beauty, claimed that the new doll would not only improve the self-esteem of growing girls, but would also give them someone to feel superior to for hours on end....more»
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Real Estate »
Your dream home!
Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile. Reference #45234536
