The Onion

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice as likely to die by their own hands as non-veterans. What do you think?

Young Woman

Ariel Langhorne,
Draftsperson
"Clearly there has to be a better screening process to keep these lunatics out of the military."

Black Man

Dale Tyler,
Systems Analyst
"If they're going to kill themselves anyway, they should at least sign up for another tour."

Young Man

Jared Palmer,
Busboy
"We need more morale-boosting USO shows immediately. Where's that Wynonna Judd and Chuck Norris?"

All American Voices

Personal of the Day