The Onion

Thursday, November 22, 2007

New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think?

Old Man

Jerome Blair,
Mechanic
"No thanks. My current glaucoma medication has the more beneficial side effect of getting me high off my ass."

Black Man

Geoff Hooper,
Window Dresser
"Why not just come out and say that you don't like my eyelashes?! Oh God, I'm sorry. I just feel so inadequate and angry about my tiny lashes."

Old Woman

Charlotte Tydrich,
Mail Sorter
"After 10 weeks of use, my eyelashes have never been fuller and longer and I am unequivocally a better person because of it."

All American Voices

Personal of the Day