The Onion

Friday, August 24, 2007

Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think?

Young Woman

Kathryn Hodgkins,
Systems Analyst
"Why didn't the American people tell me they were hurting?"

Young Man

Josh Day,
Nutritionist
"If it wasn't for painkillers, pain sufferers would be forced to resort to voodoo medicine like physical therapy and chiropractics."

Asian Man

Robert Wharton,
Shoe Repairman
"This is obviously an indicator of major growth in two sectors of our nation's population, older people and hillbillies."

Personal of the Day