News Archives

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NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

issue 4606 | 02.08.10

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials announced today the successful launch of the new shuttle Moonage Daydream, marking the beginning of...
Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children

issue 4605 | 02.02.10

WASHINGTON—"These days, it's almost impossible for a stranger to wake up in the morning, drive to a nearby park, and spend the afternoon...
Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Devastating Personal Attack On Illinois Man

issue 4604 | 01.28.10

WASHINGTON—The highly coordinated strike, which made light of his ample girth, lack of employment, and inability to meet single women, occurred...
'How Bad For The Environment Can Throwing Away One Plastic Bottle Be?' 30 Million People Wonder

issue 4603 | 01.19.10

WASHINGTON—"It's fine, it's fine," thought Maine native Sheila Hodge, echoing the exact sentiments of Chicago-area resident Phillip Ragowski,...
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian

issue 4602 | 01.12.10

LOUISVILLE, KY—"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes...
Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau Of Masochism Reports

issue 4601 | 01.05.10

WASHINGTON—"The vast majority of U.S. citizens are simply not receiving the physical punishment they deserve,” said Masochism Bureau chief...