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Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

issue 4545 | 11.03.09

WASHINGTON—"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can...
U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

issue 4544 | 10.27.09

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"We've spent a lot of time and money fostering the turmoil and despair necessary to make this a sustainable quagmire, and...
Nation's Morons March On Washington State

issue 4543 | 10.21.09

OLYMPIA, WA—"More government accountability, and transparency, and accountability!” shouted grade-A moron Tammy Caldwell, 37, addressing no...
Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date

issue 4542 | 10.14.09

NEW YORK——According to a source who wished to remain anonymous, there is an ineffable quality to the printed page that kidnappers cannot get...
Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed

issue 4541 | 10.06.09

WASHINGTON—"If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer...
Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

issue 4540 | 09.29.09

HOLLYWOOD, CA—""We can no longer subsist on Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears," read a statement from Citizens for Renewed Celebrity...