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Nadir Of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday At 3:32 P.M.

issue 4539 | 09.22.09

WASHINGTON—"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action...
U.S. Government Finds $20 Trillion Buried By Absentminded Reagan In 1987

issue 4538 | 09.15.09

WASHINGTON—While senior officials were initially unsure of where the hoard of valuables had come from, a number of clues—most notably a...
Thousands Of Abandoned, Foreclosed Homes Threatened By Florida Hurricane

issue 4537 | 09.08.09

FORT MEYERS, FL—According to meteorologists, the massive storm could make as many as 3 million residents every bit as homeless as they've been...
Report: Some Kid's Head Cracked Open In Gym This Morning

issue 4536 | 09.02.09

NAPERVILLE—Although the extent of the injury has not yet been determined, seventh-grade sources said that it was totally gushing blood and...
Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle

issue 4535 | 08.25.09

KIGALI, RWANDA—"Always remember to keep things light and breezy when mingling," said real estate heiress Danielle Watters as she advised a...
Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

issue 4534 | 08.18.09

WASHINGTON—"It is our responsibility to put differences aside and focus on refusing Americans the health care they deserve," said House Speaker...
Congress Beginning To Suspect Senator Mark Warner Might Be Homeless

issue 4533 | 08.12.09

WASHINGTON—Warner's recent habit of introducing legislation written out on large pieces of brown cardboard only furthers speculation that he...