McDonald's Abandons Iceland
"I guess we’ll never find out if that crafty Pinchy Puffin ever got his hands on a McRutabaga Shake."
Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker
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United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood
CHICAGO—In its ongoing effort to cut transportation costs and boost profits, United Airlines announced Tuesday that it was exploring the feasibility of herding them into planes and stacking...
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Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears
NEW YORK—A group of popular teenage girls viciously insulted the United States Tuesday, causing the populace to break down and cry following assertions that its 300 million citizens are...
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World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall
SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building Monday, witnesses reported. The sigh, described by those who heard it...
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Priest Shortage Forces Vatican To Hire Temps To Deliver Sacred Rites
MILWAUKEE—In an emergency effort to boost the dwindling number of Roman Catholic priests in the United States, the Vatican contracted with a nationwide staffing firm last week to hire...
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Report: Majority Of Newspapers Now Purchased By Kidnappers To Prove Date
NEW YORK—According to a report published this week in American Journalism Review, 93 percent of all newspaper sales can now be attributed to kidnappers seeking to prove the day's date...
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Thing That Was Popular Before Brought Back In Hopes Of It Still Being Popular
NEW YORK—Confident that people would once again embrace it as a beloved part of pop culture, steps were taken this week to reintroduce a once-popular thing to the public at large. "If you...
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Pepsi To Cease Advertising
PURCHASE, NY—PepsiCo sent shockwaves through the carbonated beverage industry Monday when the multibillion dollar corporation announced that it would cease all advertising of its popular...
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Sexy Career Woman To Take Hot Bath After Stressful Day
NEW YORK—Following a particularly stressful day at her high-powered job, sultry career woman Jessica Barrett, 34, announced Tuesday she would take a hot, steamy bath upon returning to her...
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Real Estate »
Be-yurt-iful!
This lovely 1-br/0-bath yurt boasts a circular lattice frame, sturdy roof poles, and a thick felt covering. Structure quickly assembles/disassembles for easy yak-mounted transport. Quit wasting valuable goat-herding time and contact Gulnur today! Reference number JGE-0347654
Real Estate »
Be The Fonz!
Live above a Milwaukee garage, just like everyone's favorite greaser who said "Ayyyyyy!" Three-foot-high crawl space with cushiony fiberglass floor can accommodate the weight of one cool guy weighing 165 pounds or less and perhaps a blanket and squat dresser. Reference number JFWN-1947
