Larry Groznic

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• I Must Take Issue With The Wikipedia Entry For 'Weird Al' Yankovic

  To whomever or whatever is currently in charge of the free encyclopedia and online community portal at Wikipedia.org, I demand that you remove the mask of anonymity and account for the gross oversights to be found on your site. I must take issue with your entry for "Weird Al" Yankovic—for in allowing it to remain active, you are perpetrating a great injustice.

• I'll Thank You Not To Call My Collection Of Sequential-Art Erotica 'Dirty Comics'

  I've been called many unfair names in my day, Grygor, but I never imagined that someone I consider a friend would label me an "onanist" before the entire Animatrix-message-board community. The personal attack was beneath the dignity of an erstwhile standard-bearer of the fan community. I'll thank you, Grygor, to discontinue forthwith your practice of referring to the works contained in my collection of sequential-art erotica as "dirty comics."

• Don't Come Crying To Me When You Need Someone Who Speaks Elvish

  Really, Steven. Of all people, I expected more from you.

• I Appreciate The Muppets On A Much Deeper Level Than You

  This bitter eBay bidding war has gotten out of hand. Why should we tear each other apart like this? Yes, the Muppet Movie soundtrack has not been available on CD since 1993 and is highly sought on the collector's market. But is that any reason to drive the price north of the $52 mark, with two days, seven hours, and six minutes remaining, no less?

• I Regret To Say Your Wedding Falls Square In The Middle Of The Prisoner Marathon

  When I received your wedding invitation, Neil, I was overcome with joy at the prospect of being part of your blessed day. As one of my oldest and dearest friends, you are the kind of person whose nuptials I would not want to miss for all the world. However, as much as I want to be there when you take Beth as your wife, I regret to say that your Oct. 12 wedding falls square in the middle of the Prisoner marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.

• When You Are Ready To Have A Serious Conversation About Green Lantern, You Have My E-Mail Address

  I consider you a friend, Douglas. Together, we have shared many adventures, from waiting in line for the Star Wars: Episode I premiere to meeting Mark "Dukat" Alaimo at ComiCon 2001. Your friendship is as valuable to me as my Michael York-autographed DVD of Logan's Run.

• Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

  We, as a nation, have suffered. Wounded and confused, we wonder whether life will ever be the same again. But for all our pain, we can heal, if each one of us pitches in. We all have a part to play, whether donating blood, contributing to relief charities, or writing high-quality fan fiction to help a grieving nation forget its troubles for just a little while.

• Maybe I Can Impress Her With My Holy Grail Quotes

  Ah, Aimee Porter. How often I have gazed at you from across the coffee shop, longing to smell your hair, to feel your sympathetic cheek against mine.

• Dressing Up Your Dog As Boba Fett Is Something You Have To Devote A Weekend To

  I've always thought of myself as a creative guy. Whenever my friends in the Star Wars novel-reading club schedule a Sunday-night Star Wars viewing party, I like to get into the spirit of things by dressing up in a theme outfit. And, of course, a big part of the excitement is dressing up my pet Cocker Spaniel, Nikto, as a character from the films or expanded universe, too.

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