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SPECIAL FEATURE: Love & Romance

July 4, 2009

St. Valentine's Day 2007

Romance Quiz

Do you know what you're looking for in a mate? Are you sure? Take our Romantic Compatibility Quiz and you just might learn a little something about yourself. And don't worry, we have a quiz for the men as well as the women.

  1. 1. What's your idea of the perfect evening?
    Drafting an argument against the Panama Congress proposal
    Quiet dinner at home
    Watching People's Choice presenter Megan Mullally deliver a hilarious zinger
    Appearing on Fox News nightly with liberal counterpart
  2. 2. If you were forced to drop out of NYU due to poor grades, you would:
    Study harder and apply again
    Recoup my tuition
    Use the experience as fodder for Whoopi's act
    Go on to receive an honorary degree from Jerry Falwell's Liberty University
  3. 3. How important do you consider filing?
    Not very
    Somewhat
    Very
    Filing is the very glue that holds society together
  4. 4.What is your biggest regret?
    Support of the Trail of Tears
    Let Ernie buy the Mustang out from under me
    Not available for the City Slickers II rewrite
    Didn't punch that pantywaist Jimmy Carter when I had the chance
  5. 4. You have an unexpected vacation day. How do you spend it?
    Playing a lively round of continental checkers, grooming sideburns
    Winking Lizard for 1/2 price chicken wings
    Polishing Emmys, critiquing what Adrien Brody is wearing
    Attending Lee Greenwood concert
  6. 5. On the evening of Valentine's Day, what will you wear to bed?
    Form-fitting union suit
    The once-a-year teddy
    "My other body's in the shop" T-shirt
    60% cotton, 40% polyester
  7. 6. What do you find most attractive in gay comedy writers?
    Morbidly obese
    Loud and obnoxious
    Big, stupid beard
    Center Square access
  8. 7. An effective political leader should:
    Do what is best for the people.
    Oh, mother told me never to discuss politics or religion.
    Not have a scary, creepy, lizard-like smile.
    Be not-Bill Clinton, reclaim this nation for Christ.

  1. 1. After a hard day, how do you unwind?
    Gossiping with John Larroquette
    Quietly singing a hymn while hiding in the brush
    Working on my on-camera posture, drunk-dialing Fox News VP of Talent
    Taking medications, staying confined to cell
  2. 2. What is your biggest pet peeve?
    Lineup rescheduling and hiatus
    The categorical persecution and enslavement of the Negro race
    Ethics committees
    The sound of a child's laughter
  3. 3. Five years from now, where do you see yourself?
    Guest spot as Doug's cousin on King of Queens
    The North
    Botox and Collagen follow-up in Miami
    Being allowed to use nail clippers
  4. 4. If you met her at the local bookstore, you'd want her to be reading:
    Script for dinner theater production of Arsenic and Old Lace
    Abolitionists Monthly
    Florida's Just Not That Into You
    Plan Your Own Defense
  5. 5. Which of the following best describes you?
    That firecracker blonde from Night Court
    Fat but heroic
    Former Congressperson from Florida
    Child-drowning lunatic
  6. 6. What best describes your stance towards drowning children?
    I don't have children.
    I don't have a bathtub.
    I don't have a stance.
    I live in Toledo.
  7. 7. It's 2 AM on a Friday night. Where are you?
    On PAX TV
    Hiding in a hayloft somewhere in west Tennessee
    Handing out business cards
    A maximum-security mental institution
  8. 8. How do you give a man what he wants?
    On PAX TV
    I extricate him from slavery and help him escape to freedom
    Get a second boob job and help him get the Presidency
    I make more babies.

E-Cards

In accordance with the strongly worded wishes of our legal department, these Valentine's Day cards have all been thoroughly vetted in order to comply with the most stringent of corporate sexual-harassment policies. Should you want to be fired from your job, we have also included the controversial Smoove B cards that led to several lawsuits last year.

HR Approved E-Cards

SMOOVE B-CARDS

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Personals

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    SWM Not much to say about me. Former marine, just got back from Iraq. USA!!! Recently lost a lot of weight, due to an IED. Ideally, I'm looking for someone to share in protracted bouts of inexplicable, unpredictable crying. 86120

  • Let's Do Something

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  • On the brink of forever

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  • Active and attractive

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Personal of the Day