King Of Pop Dead At 12 06.26.09

LOS ANGELES—Michael Jackson, a talented child performer known for his love of amusement park rides and his hobby of collecting exotic animals for his Neverland Ranch, died from sudden cardiac arrest Thursday at the age of 12....

Film About Little Guy Battling Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization Made By Huge, Morally Bankrupt Organization 06.15.09

LOS ANGELES—A new motion picture about a resilient underdog who somehow finds the courage to take on a giant, faceless corporation was... …more »
New Terminator Movie Brings J.D. Salinger Out Of Hiding 06.08.09

CORNISH, NH—The reclusive author called Christian Bale "the most badass version of John Connor yet" and described the film's postapocalyptic war with the machines setting as "totally... …more »
Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin 06.02.09

LOS ANGELES—After two years of performing management and coordination tasks at an "exceptional level," Stephen Baldwin's personal assistant,... …more »
Smoke Monster From 'Lost' Given Own Primetime Spin-Off Series 05.29.09

BURBANK, CA—ABC sources reported that Where There's Smoke will transplant the evil black cloud from the island of Lost to the suburbs of Chicago, where it works as a sports radio... …more »
Radiohead Denies Influencing Local Band 05.23.09

DAYTON, OH—"Just because you use a vocoder doesn't make you a fearless pioneer of post-punk techno-rock," explained Radiohead producer Nigel Greenwood. …more »
Area Woman Worried She's Forgetting What Heath Ledger Looked Like 05.18.09

LAFAYETTE, LA—A little more than a year after Heath Ledger's tragic death, 36-year-old Petra Rowe struggled Thursday to clearly remember the... …more »
Bitchy Girlfriend Just Asking For Anne Hathaway To Swoop In, Steal Man Away 05.13.09

ST. CLOUD, MN—According to concerned sources, Jill Sagert, 29—a prissy, uptight lawyer who doesn't realize what a great guy her... …more »
Concert Security Guard Would Willingly Give His Life To Protect Coldplay 05.08.09

CHULA VISTA, CA—Twenty-four-year-old security guard Ian Moran told reporters Tuesday that he would gladly lay down his life to protect the... …more »

TV Listings

The Bachelorette

ABC

8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. CDT

After viewing a production of Tony N' Tina's Wedding, the bachelorette, clad in a penis-shaped hat and a sash, gets drunk on oversized margaritas with 11 of her friends at a local Mexican place, then dances lewdly for hours in a nearby bar with no dance floor.