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<rss xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" version="2.0" xml:base="http://www.theonion.com/content"><channel><title>The Onion</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content</link><description>Content updated daily from The Onion -- America's Finest News Source</description><language>en-us</language><copyright>2009</copyright><item><title> Check It Out: Deer</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/check_it_out_deer?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[News In Photos]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:42:29 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/check_it_out_deer?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Photos</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Check-It-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2672" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>Sports: Several 2009 MLB Awards Clearly Thought Up On The Spot</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/several_2009_mlb_awards?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[NEW YORK&mdash;A number of players suggested to reporters Monday that, with accolades such as the AL Platinum Baseman Award and the Best Lead Off of the Year Trophy, the Baseball Writers' Association of America was almost certainly making up its year-end honors on the spot.]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 21 Nov 2009 10:30:41 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/several_2009_mlb_awards?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/MLB.thumbnail_0.jpg" length="5154" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nations_music_snobs_protest?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[WASHINGTON&mdash;"What those poor people have had to suffer through is a terrible, shameful travesty," said <i>Rolling Stone's </i> David Fricke. "Can you imagine being forced to listen to Deicide and Drowning Pool all day long?"]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:00:33 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nations_music_snobs_protest?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Nations-Music-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2328" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/overweight_college_student?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[STATE COLLEGE, PA&mdash;Kyle Norton stated that he would also forgo a winter coat and continue to don the same coffee-stained sweatshirt he has been wearing since mid-October.]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:06:24 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/overweight_college_student?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Overweight-College.thumbnail.jpg" length="7476" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/senator_byrd_the_longest_serving?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[After more than 56 years in office, 92-year-old Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) has become the longest-serving member of Congress. What do <i>you</i>...]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:37:54 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/senator_byrd_the_longest_serving?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>American Voices</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/lebron_james_encourages_nba?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[WASHINGTON&mdash;Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan.]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:30:23 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/lebron_james_encourages_nba?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Lebron.thumbnail.jpg" length="2058" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/montessori_school_of_dentistry?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[NEW YORK&mdash;"At Montessori, we believe dentistry to be more than just the medical practice of treating tooth and gum disorders," said school director Dr. Howard Bundt. "It's about fostering creativity."]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:00:17 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/montessori_school_of_dentistry?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Montessori-School-C.thumbnail.jpg" length="2336" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Inside The Obama White House: Specifically The Air Conditioning Duct Near The West Wing</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/magazine/inside_the_obama_white_house?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:31:31 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/magazine/inside_the_obama_white_house?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sunday Magazine</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Obama_wh.jpg" length="71331" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[audio] Survey: Positive Things Better Than Negative Things</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/survey_positive_things?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:02:02 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/survey_positive_things?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/eagles_settle_for_field?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[SAN DIEGO&mdash;The Eagles were forced to settle for a field goal against the Chargers Sunday after sustaining a 260-yard, 64-play drive that featured six separate red-zone appearances and took 52 minutes off the game clock.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:00:10 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/eagles_settle_for_field?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports NIB</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Eagles.thumbnail.jpg" length="2386" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/queen_elizabeth_ii_announces_shes?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[LONDON&mdash;The queen assured her 59-year-old son, Prince Charles, that he was still special, and the baby would not replace him as the heir apparent to the crown.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:37:51 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/queen_elizabeth_ii_announces_shes?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Queen-Elizabeth-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="5528" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/heroin_addicts_pressure?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[LOS ANGELES&mdash;As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:12:25 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/heroin_addicts_pressure?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Brief</dc:subject></item><item><title>[video] Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:36 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/ET_ALIEN_ARTICLE_11_12.thumbnail.jpg" length="1210" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>Opinion: This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet (by Gregg Clayton)</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/this_would_be_the_best_mental?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[I've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:32 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/this_would_be_the_best_mental?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Commentary</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/This-Would-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="1117" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>Sports: Norman Esiason Finally Outgrows Childish Nickname</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/norman_esiason_finally?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[News In Photos]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:40:39 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/norman_esiason_finally?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Photo Finish</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Boomer-Esiason.thumbnail.jpg" length="1634" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/federal_government_wants_subway?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[The Obama administration will propose that safety regulations for subways and commuter trains be put under the jurisdiction of the federal...]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:30:50 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/federal_government_wants_subway?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>American Voices</dc:subject></item><item><title>Sports: Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/patriots_lead_colts_at_halftime?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[INDIANAPOLIS&mdash;As of press time, the New England Patriots, playing on the road against an undefeated Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead.]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:00:45 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/patriots_lead_colts_at_halftime?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Sports News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Colts-Pats.thumbnail.jpg" length="2359" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>In Focus: Mammograms</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/mammograms?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[With the highly publicized return of Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer, American women are being encouraged to take the precautions necessary to...]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:05:42 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/mammograms?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Infographic</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Infographic-Mammogram-thumb.thumbnail.jpg" length="2773" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Who Do We Think We Are?</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/statshot/who_do_we_think_we_are?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:33:26 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/statshot/who_do_we_think_we_are?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Statshot</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Statshot-Think-We-Are-R.jpg" length="42920" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title> Middle East Small Talks To Focus On Getting Israel, Palestine To Discuss Weather</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/middle_east_small_talks_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[LONDON&mdash;According to State Department officials, the violently clashing peoples of Israel and Palestine have agreed to resume small talks...]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:00:49 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/middle_east_small_talks_to?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News In Brief</dc:subject></item><item><title> Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/scientists_replace_penile_tissue?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Researchers from North Carolina's Wake Forest University successfully engineered a replacement erectile tissue that, when implanted in the penises of...]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:30:50 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/scientists_replace_penile_tissue?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>American Voices</dc:subject></item><item><title> Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/obama_weighs_options_in?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[<b>Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan. </b><b>Here are the options currently being...</b>]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:26:25 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/obama_weighs_options_in?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Infographic</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Infographic-Afghan-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="1217" type="image/jpeg"/></item><item><title>[audio] Local Teen To Explore Own Body</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/local_teen_to_explore_own?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland]]></description><pubDate>Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:00:27 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/local_teen_to_explore_own?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>Radio</dc:subject></item><item><title> December Named National Awareness Month</title><link>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/december_named_national_awareness?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</link><description><![CDATA[WASHINGTON&mdash;In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."]]></description><pubDate>Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0500</pubDate><guid>http://www.theonion.com/content/news/december_named_national_awareness?utm_source=onion_rss_daily</guid><dc:subject>News</dc:subject><enclosure url="http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/December-Named-Jump-R.thumbnail.jpg" length="2565" type="image/jpeg"/></item></channel></rss>